The Gift Of The Empty Hand (edit #3)

[Achebe]

ella - a brief summary of what I like in this version (the first 4 lines), and what in the old.
i haven't seen too many examples on the pen of where the edited version was an improvement on the original. the crits were all valid, but i think it takes time to edit, to get into the mood that inspired the original, and it can't be rushed. too often we feel pressured, self included, to publish a revision out of a sense of obligation.

EDIT: at the same time, my feedback is too touchy feely to be reliable. so please take what I say with a horse-killing dose of scepticism.

The Gift of the Empty Hand (edit #1)

You left without your things.

Eighty years of salvaged scraps sorted
and shelved alongside Twain, Cayce, Eliot; --- this is an improvement on the original. the line endings don't look arbitrary now
illegible religious tomes and old issues
of Archeology, New Yorker and Science- nice. better than the original.
each with one article you couldn't trash. -- the 'weekly deluge' of the original was a nice phrase, anticipating the ocean of S2. Now it's too matter of fact, too prosaic.
Closets stacked with antique picnic baskets - 'antique picnic baskets' is difficult to picture. just picnic baskets, as in the original, would have been enough. I'm sure there may be some differences between picnic baskets made 60 years ago (the definition of 'antique') and now, but we don't speak of 'antique frying pans' or 'antique lint brush' either
and almost working vacuum cleaners, - 'fixable' was original. 'almost' anything is such a cliche that it's best avoided.
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
stacks of photos you caught and that caught you.- this line comes across as trying too hard to say something clever. the original 'of us, you, in them' was short and sweet.

When the ocean took it all you came, - I liked the 'grinning' of the original, because it made the line longer. Because the mood changes in this strophe (not stanza, thanks Colin Ward), this line needs to be slightly long.
I heard your grinning voice: - 'grinning voice' is a weak description
"It's just stuff." - 'they're just things' sounded better
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today. - beautiful ending, unchanged from the original.


The Gift of Loss (original)

You left without your things.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.