Learning
#2
(12-20-2015, 10:37 AM)TSlate Wrote:  A volume beckoned me to pry
its body open. I obliged,
and secrets slipped inside. My mind
devoured every pulsing line,
and brilliance sparked where words aligned.
Complete, I matched each gap to spine.
Not knowing where my friend belonged,
I laid it maybe somewhere wrong,
then gathered up my borrowed fund,
absconding soon as I was done.
nice poem.
my observations:-

Pros:-
1) nice enjambment in L2 and L3.
2) 'complete, I matched each gap to spine' - nice mental image
3) nice ending. although it would resonate better if your title read 'bookshop browsing' or something like that. the idea being that you took what was in the book without paying for it. doesn't work if you're talking about a library, only a bookshop.

Cons:-
1) 'secrets slipped inside' - slightly flowery. 'secrets' is trying too hard.
2) 'every pulsing line' is unnecessary hyperbole, unless you actually meant that you read the entire book like that, which is unusual.
3) 'and brilliance sparked where words aligned.' - mangled. you'll perhaps have to rewrite this entire line.
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Messages In This Thread
Learning - by TSlate - 12-20-2015, 10:37 AM
RE: Learning - by Achebe - 12-20-2015, 11:23 AM
RE: Learning - by TSlate - 12-21-2015, 10:47 AM
RE: Learning - by aschueler - 12-23-2015, 09:00 AM
RE: Learning - by Cpx - 12-23-2015, 10:00 AM
RE: Learning - by dukealien - 12-24-2015, 07:55 AM
RE: Learning - by Jeremiahcp - 12-26-2015, 11:55 PM
RE: Learning - by Shrewbe - 04-17-2016, 08:07 PM
RE: Learning - by Seanharvey - 04-19-2016, 04:59 PM
RE: Learning - by Erthona - 04-20-2016, 03:12 AM
RE: Learning - by Taboosun - 05-10-2016, 12:30 PM



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