The Gift Of The Empty Hand (edit #3)

[ellajam]

First version was before I joined but reading both now I'd say that the edit is a major step forward, you managed to address most of the major issues without changing the core of the poem.
Title is miles better and I really like the standalone first line.
I don't know if this is some sort of heresy around here, but I wonder if this wouldn't work better as a composite prose poem piece, without the line divisions in the first (second?) stanza. As it is, the poem seems inconsistent, the first and second stanzas don't seem to match, which isn't necessarily a problem, but the effect might work better if you leaned into it more.
There's also a couple clumsy phrases, most of which other people have pointed out, "religious tomes," "photos you caught that caught you." The last line of the first stanza is probably the one place where I liked the original better, it's not perfect but it seems less awkward. If it was me I'd go for "photos of you and us and them."
I can't quite decide how I feel about the closing two lines. I really like the phrase "arms full of empty" but I think it could maybe be tweaked a little. I first read it as "free to hold you today," until I noticed I was inserting a word to fit the context. I don't have any concrete advice here, just that I'd consider playing around with the phrasing to see if you could find something that flows a little better.

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment, Jacob. I'm particularly interested in your prose poetry comment. I know nothing about it and most of the bits I've read I've been unimpressed with. I've read prose that was chock full of poetry, but I haven't yet seen the point of writing a sound paragraph or two and calling having it satand alone. This one may not have the makings of decent poem, I haven't given up yet, but if i'm unable to do that I'll probably just file it under weak.

If you know of any prose poetry you think is worthwhile I'd surely read it.

Again, your time and arrows to weak points are much appreciated.

I have tried and failed to get into prose poetry, as in classic prose poetry, as in the people famous for writing prose poetry. Can't recall the names of the people I was reading, unfortunately. I remember finding some of it amazing but most kind of blah. Of course that's typically what happens when I pick up a book of poetry too...
Integrating prose into my own poetry is something I've been experimenting with, largely out of my many-years-old confusion about the point of line breaks that don't indicate pauses in speech. It's like, if the only reason we are dividing lines is to make it look like a poem, that seems kind of dumb. I occasionally wonder if this means that free verse is kind of dumb. Which would be unfortuante because its the only kind of poetry I know how to write.

The good news is that forms are fun to learn.