12-20-2015, 08:51 AM
First version was before I joined but reading both now I'd say that the edit is a major step forward, you managed to address most of the major issues without changing the core of the poem.
Title is miles better and I really like the standalone first line.
I don't know if this is some sort of heresy around here, but I wonder if this wouldn't work better as a composite prose poem piece, without the line divisions in the first (second?) stanza. As it is, the poem seems inconsistent, the first and second stanzas don't seem to match, which isn't necessarily a problem, but the effect might work better if you leaned into it more.
There's also a couple clumsy phrases, most of which other people have pointed out, "religious tomes," "photos you caught that caught you." The last line of the first stanza is probably the one place where I liked the original better, it's not perfect but it seems less awkward. If it was me I'd go for "photos of you and us and them."
I can't quite decide how I feel about the closing two lines. I really like the phrase "arms full of empty" but I think it could maybe be tweaked a little. I first read it as "free to hold you today," until I noticed I was inserting a word to fit the context. I don't have any concrete advice here, just that I'd consider playing around with the phrasing to see if you could find something that flows a little better.
Title is miles better and I really like the standalone first line.
I don't know if this is some sort of heresy around here, but I wonder if this wouldn't work better as a composite prose poem piece, without the line divisions in the first (second?) stanza. As it is, the poem seems inconsistent, the first and second stanzas don't seem to match, which isn't necessarily a problem, but the effect might work better if you leaned into it more.
There's also a couple clumsy phrases, most of which other people have pointed out, "religious tomes," "photos you caught that caught you." The last line of the first stanza is probably the one place where I liked the original better, it's not perfect but it seems less awkward. If it was me I'd go for "photos of you and us and them."
I can't quite decide how I feel about the closing two lines. I really like the phrase "arms full of empty" but I think it could maybe be tweaked a little. I first read it as "free to hold you today," until I noticed I was inserting a word to fit the context. I don't have any concrete advice here, just that I'd consider playing around with the phrasing to see if you could find something that flows a little better.