all i'm getting is sex; is it just me 
am i truly a pervert?
i found it hard to understand the significance of the title. again, could be my failing as the reader.
the first line works well enoug, it has ambiguity and also works as a metaphor. and then it get screwed with on the next line with some forced internal rhyme followed by repetitive so's
the 2nd stanza is basically saying what?
all i get from the poem is [they have sex and come]
i'd like to see some depth and less trimmed phraseology.
He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
sorry but it reads as very very weak. firm it out [oops]
am i truly a pervert? i found it hard to understand the significance of the title. again, could be my failing as the reader.
the first line works well enoug, it has ambiguity and also works as a metaphor. and then it get screwed with on the next line with some forced internal rhyme followed by repetitive so's
the 2nd stanza is basically saying what?
all i get from the poem is [they have sex and come]
i'd like to see some depth and less trimmed phraseology.
He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
sorry but it reads as very very weak. firm it out [oops]
(12-16-2015, 07:53 PM)Weeded Wrote: Edit 2
In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display on display is redundyfied
so all could see, 2 [so's] ? is not so so, in truth both could be removed without losing anything
but none could touch.
He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.
Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused,
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star, like a supernova
until finally, she exploded.
he without form
She without form