12-18-2015, 01:41 PM
In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.
He, entranced by her energy, 5
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
not contained and unconstrained.
Curiously, she gave him her hand.
Her brightness diminished(naturally). 10
She grew like a star to supernova
until finally, she exploded;
he, without form.
She, without form.
Lines 1-4 are just fine. Don't change a thing!
Line 5 leaves me wanting an explanation. Why is he "entranced by her energy"? The fire/water metaphor explains the differences between the two figures and provides the reader with some foreshadowing, but what is the cause of this attraction? Show us — don't just tell us.
Having both "not contained" and "unconstrained" in line 8 is rather redundant. You could easily express this idea with fewer words.
Line 9 suffers from the same problem that line 5 does. Why is it curious? What compels her to give him her hand?
"(naturally)" in line 10 is unnecessary. The reader understands what water does to fire.
Lines 11 and 12 are just stunning. The image of a supernova really gives the reader a sense of intensity. However, it's a little abrupt when compared to the rest of the poem. Maybe you could fix this by creating more tension in the previous lines? It's such a powerful moment in the poem, and it deserves a greater build up to it!
While I like the stillness of lines 13 and 14, I don't understand why "she" is capitalized and "he" isn't. Is "she" more significant than "he"? If so, this seems to conflict with the lines' parallel structure and the shared fate of the two figures. I would just get rid of the semicolon in line 12. It's too problematic.
Despite a couple of issues, your poem has potential. Just keep working on it!
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.
He, entranced by her energy, 5
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
not contained and unconstrained.
Curiously, she gave him her hand.
Her brightness diminished(naturally). 10
She grew like a star to supernova
until finally, she exploded;
he, without form.
She, without form.
Lines 1-4 are just fine. Don't change a thing!
Line 5 leaves me wanting an explanation. Why is he "entranced by her energy"? The fire/water metaphor explains the differences between the two figures and provides the reader with some foreshadowing, but what is the cause of this attraction? Show us — don't just tell us.
Having both "not contained" and "unconstrained" in line 8 is rather redundant. You could easily express this idea with fewer words.
Line 9 suffers from the same problem that line 5 does. Why is it curious? What compels her to give him her hand?
"(naturally)" in line 10 is unnecessary. The reader understands what water does to fire.
Lines 11 and 12 are just stunning. The image of a supernova really gives the reader a sense of intensity. However, it's a little abrupt when compared to the rest of the poem. Maybe you could fix this by creating more tension in the previous lines? It's such a powerful moment in the poem, and it deserves a greater build up to it!
While I like the stillness of lines 13 and 14, I don't understand why "she" is capitalized and "he" isn't. Is "she" more significant than "he"? If so, this seems to conflict with the lines' parallel structure and the shared fate of the two figures. I would just get rid of the semicolon in line 12. It's too problematic.
Despite a couple of issues, your poem has potential. Just keep working on it!
“Nature is a haunted house—but Art—is a house that tries to be haunted.” - Emily Dickinson