EDIT 2: On Falling In

[Magpie]

Thanks for the comments, they help, but you were able to make out most of it...

The stanza's all capture the same exact image, but just continuously condensed...


I thought about adding single lined stanza's in between the existing stanza's for the purpose of clarification but nothing seems to fit.

I think I know that each stanza is the same image condensed only because I know the poem from its initial stage. It definitely comes across stronger in the first version, the most current version doesn't express this as clearly.

However the parts that let me know each stanza was the same image in the first version were the parts that spoilt it as a poem, especially the repetition. This seems to be the difficulty, to be able to show that each stanza is the same image without repeating the same keywords or related words. If you can manage to do this somehow then this could be the key to making it work. A different title could possibly help to point the reader in the right direction, even one of those Chinese-esque extremely long descriptive titles might work. In many ways a title can be just as important as the content of a poem and can sometimes make a poem complete.

There is an excellent post somewhere on this site about titling poems, if I can find it I'll post a link up here, it's very informative.

Cheers,
Mark