The Gift Of The Empty Hand (edit #3)

[ellajam]

[quote='aschueler' pid='200503' dateline='1448724913']


Hi, aschueler, welcome. It's fine to say ypu like something, you can even loooove it, we just ask that, in the workshops, members explain specifically why.

I've got an edit up, maybe you can let me know if you find it better or worse and why. Hopefully others will do the same, I'm not sure if it's changed enough to reach some of the posters it bored, but it's a start.

That was generally tongue in cheek.  I sometimes bristle a little at rules.

What I liked most is the honesty with which you approach your theme.  I was able to feel this person and get a good idea of who he/she was.    

Two more thoughts, one is that we don't really get a lot of how you feel until the nice ending.  Perhaps it's on purpose, but maybe some more explicit feeling in the middle.

Next, I also thought the original line of Polaroid cameras ... Was better.

A belated thanks for coming back, Asch, your comment has me thinking. The middle is purposely detached, the state I've found one needs to be in during a purge if one is to function at all. I fear it just comes across as stale and boring. Thinking...

I'm working on it again, thanks to all who came back, so far I've just got an end.  

When the ocean took it all
your grin appeared above my shoulder
and whispered: It's just stuff.
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

I'll be back with a title and some more tweaks soon.