12-17-2015, 10:37 AM
Introducing extraneous material about a poem prejudices the poem against the reader so that it might as well not be read. As I am unable to deal with the content, I will try and offer some help with the mechanics.
Instead of opening in a pseudo-melodramatic way, I would suggest a more direct approach by taking the narrator as a character out of it. So instead of:
"Let me tell you about this soldier I know,
Escaped his prison at just seventeen years old."
A soldier escaped his prison at just seventeen years old.
One might respond but what about the rhyme and meter. My response is that the rhyme is inconsistent and often forced, In terms of meter, there is none to be had, although there are hints of accentual verse, but that is not.
I don't mean this in a mean way, we all have to learn, what we learn. It's obviously you have not yet to master the complexities of the meter and rhyme you were attempting here. Instead of trying to do what you cannot, try to be genuine in what you know, the other stuff can be learned over time. You have some good material here, use to the advantage of the skills you have at hand. Do not try to write over your head to make it into some idea of poetry. Great poetry can be written without embellishment. This is not to say to forgo improving your poetry skills. By all means, do so. It is what we are here for.
Best,
Dale
Instead of opening in a pseudo-melodramatic way, I would suggest a more direct approach by taking the narrator as a character out of it. So instead of:
"Let me tell you about this soldier I know,
Escaped his prison at just seventeen years old."
A soldier escaped his prison at just seventeen years old.
One might respond but what about the rhyme and meter. My response is that the rhyme is inconsistent and often forced, In terms of meter, there is none to be had, although there are hints of accentual verse, but that is not.
I don't mean this in a mean way, we all have to learn, what we learn. It's obviously you have not yet to master the complexities of the meter and rhyme you were attempting here. Instead of trying to do what you cannot, try to be genuine in what you know, the other stuff can be learned over time. You have some good material here, use to the advantage of the skills you have at hand. Do not try to write over your head to make it into some idea of poetry. Great poetry can be written without embellishment. This is not to say to forgo improving your poetry skills. By all means, do so. It is what we are here for.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.