12-17-2015, 04:51 AM
What I mean to say is that this poem works, for what it is, though it's somewhat a lightweight. I think that within the context of other poems, such as in a collection of your poetry, it could work as it is. But as a stand alone poem, it feels rather bare. It has a certain rhetorical rhythm, and seems close to the sentiment and posturing of the poem at the end of Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil. I think it's right on the verge of being something special, but remains only on the verge. I personally like the poem as it is, but if you were to only write poems like this you wouldn't really get anywhere. This is one of those situations where it would help to see other examples of your poetry to compare this one to, but since this may be the only poem you've ever written, that's not yet possible. I think its bare, thin style is an advantage, but it makes it difficult to offer suggestions on what to do with it without simply fluffing it up with more obvious poetic conventions.