12-16-2015, 11:51 PM
Agree almost entirely with @ellajam (whose critique I shouldn't have read first - bad critic, me!), particularly about finding much potential here.
Being bent that way, I see sun and earth, earth experimenting with fusion the hard way (starting with fission). Or perhaps solar flare followed by nova...
Suggestions, principally word usage:
L5, "enamored," conventionally (or at least in "A Midsummer Night's Dream") demands "of" rather than "by," and its object is a person, the beloved rather than some quality of the beloved. You perhaps mean something like "enchanted" or "fascinated," but more physical. Or you're just not being conventional, which is OK.
L9, "Curiously," connotes unexpectedly or intriguingly from the standpoint of the reader, writer, or viewpoint character, with a side of complexity ("curioiusly wrought") - it's an aside to the reader. You seem, IMHO, to mean "Curious," that is, subject wanting to know more about its object. If you mean oddly/unusually, then stet.
Tells an interesting story, interestingly. Looking forward to the edit!
Being bent that way, I see sun and earth, earth experimenting with fusion the hard way (starting with fission). Or perhaps solar flare followed by nova...
Suggestions, principally word usage:
L5, "enamored," conventionally (or at least in "A Midsummer Night's Dream") demands "of" rather than "by," and its object is a person, the beloved rather than some quality of the beloved. You perhaps mean something like "enchanted" or "fascinated," but more physical. Or you're just not being conventional, which is OK.
L9, "Curiously," connotes unexpectedly or intriguingly from the standpoint of the reader, writer, or viewpoint character, with a side of complexity ("curioiusly wrought") - it's an aside to the reader. You seem, IMHO, to mean "Curious," that is, subject wanting to know more about its object. If you mean oddly/unusually, then stet.
Tells an interesting story, interestingly. Looking forward to the edit!
Non-practicing atheist