12-16-2015, 06:39 PM
I like this poem. I was intending to give you some feedback earlier, but didn't remember where it was posted.
I don't think a line by line critique is warranted. I'll just give you some of my summary observations:
1. I like it because it is an honest, straightforward story. Why do I get the sense that it is honest? It's the 'four months he stayed' - that is a little bit of detail that would have been unlikely to have been thought of by someone using their imagination alone. I like the little detail about "refused offers to sympathise". You don't say what happened, but the reader can guess and it's more powerful that way. Whether accidental or not, it works well.
2. I like it because it is simple and its simplicity gives it a neutral voice.
3. In another post, you mentioned that your brother was an Iraq war vet. Therefore, I found it odd that you began the poem with 9/11. However, there is nothing in this poem to suggest that you are not talking about Afghanistan, so that's fine. For the poem's sake, the ambiguity of 'which war' is good.
4. Technically, the rhymes and sentence structure are pretty basic, but that's something you can work on over time.
Thanks for the read.
I don't think a line by line critique is warranted. I'll just give you some of my summary observations:
1. I like it because it is an honest, straightforward story. Why do I get the sense that it is honest? It's the 'four months he stayed' - that is a little bit of detail that would have been unlikely to have been thought of by someone using their imagination alone. I like the little detail about "refused offers to sympathise". You don't say what happened, but the reader can guess and it's more powerful that way. Whether accidental or not, it works well.
2. I like it because it is simple and its simplicity gives it a neutral voice.
3. In another post, you mentioned that your brother was an Iraq war vet. Therefore, I found it odd that you began the poem with 9/11. However, there is nothing in this poem to suggest that you are not talking about Afghanistan, so that's fine. For the poem's sake, the ambiguity of 'which war' is good.
4. Technically, the rhymes and sentence structure are pretty basic, but that's something you can work on over time.
Thanks for the read.