12-15-2015, 04:57 AM
(12-15-2015, 02:14 AM)enigmaticexistence Wrote: the love i feelEven though the meter is irregular in this poem it never jars, so you've got that one right.
as i gaze at something without a heartbeat. .... cues 'dead' instead of 'non living'. Slightly confusing
both frightens and comforts me to no end. ........'no end' = cliche
the pain i feel
as i conquer the world alone
is too much to bear.
thoughts
a force so strong they bruise my delicate nature. ...... Need an "are" at the beginning or something equivalent. All of your others sentences are statements bar this one.
the love i feel
cannot technically reciprocate ..... "Technically" not needed as it is obvious
yet i feel a solace i haven't found in years.
i find luxury in seclusion
when my mind is able to breathe ...... The sudden personification of the mind is abrupt
and my thoughts are somehow set free.
this, i cannot find
in human companionship.
the love i feel
is not for an object,
but for a feeling.
it is only while i am alone
that i can bare my naked self.
the love i feel
is impossible when others are present.
my lungs are crippled ....... Didn't understand this. Unless it's from the POV of someone with cripples lungs, it's an odd choice of phrase. If you mean " I want to shout but I can't express myself" you'll need to write it differently.
but my mind is somehow calm
when i accept that i will never be able to express
the type of love i am capable of feeling.
The understated style is nice.
However, as it stands, the poem is simply a series of statements about how you feel. To make it interesting, you will have to make the reader feel the love for inanimate things.
Good start.

