12-14-2015, 04:10 PM
It's not a
crash
a plunge
a tumble - tumble doesn't seem like the right word here; doesn't have the same strength as the two words you're also using to describe the same thing (crash, plunge)
Rather a dull
thud perhaps ... here rather than the - in the next line
- then the slow,
seeping
Explosion of a violet
invasion violet invasion - do you mean springtime?
an army of strain
in the squalor of the sighs interesting, i like the thought but not sure what you're going for here
i feel like the last 2 lines contradict the first statement (it's not a crash...) as i feel 'strain' is more relative to the strong forces you were describing at first than the dull thud. overall, i envisioned a soft yet powerful explosion, which was interesting from only a few lines.
crash
a plunge
a tumble - tumble doesn't seem like the right word here; doesn't have the same strength as the two words you're also using to describe the same thing (crash, plunge)
Rather a dull
thud perhaps ... here rather than the - in the next line
- then the slow,
seeping
Explosion of a violet
invasion violet invasion - do you mean springtime?
an army of strain
in the squalor of the sighs interesting, i like the thought but not sure what you're going for here
i feel like the last 2 lines contradict the first statement (it's not a crash...) as i feel 'strain' is more relative to the strong forces you were describing at first than the dull thud. overall, i envisioned a soft yet powerful explosion, which was interesting from only a few lines.