The Scenic Route [Revised]

[Achebe]

Thank you Keith, Ronsaik, and Qdeathstar for the feedback, it was very helpful. I made some revisions...I hope that they make the poem's meaning a bit clearer. The poem is about mother nature's disposition: she don't mind, she don't care. The great eye in the sky invites me outside and I want to go so badly but i have many excuses why I can't. But the sun doesn't hear excuses, and it doesn't care about my reasons. It will keep inviting me anyway. 

I watch the sun see through the trees .... the original was better. I called it banal, but it wasn't a showstopper. 'Watch the sun see' is unnecessarily convoluted.
through the glass,
see through me.

This great star ...... Avoidable hyperbole
saturates my window
brightly warms my hand,
as if in proposition.

My smile concedes like a girl ...... "like a 'girl's" ,perhaps? your smile is like that of a girl who has been etc.
that has just been asked to dance.......nice sentence, but 'that has just been asked' is too prosey...might need to work on that.
An unstoppable smile. ...... "unstoppable" is too prosey.

I belong out there, in the trees
At the source ......Still doesn't work, since the trees are not the 'source' of the sunlight. But it sounds nice, so I'll let it pass.
Eating sunshine and
sipping starbursts ......naah....you see, the 'moonlight' of the original was a slant rhyme with 'sunshine'. You could try 'starlight', but it doesn't sound as good because the 'n' of the "moonlight" went well with the "n" of the suNshiNe. The sonics in this one are pretty bad.
Filter free.

I roll down the window
as if to shout
"Stop!
Drop me off here".

But all I have are excuses:
"Bad timing," I say. ......Avoidable line. I did crib about who was being shouted at, but again, it sounded better in the previous version, so just leave it in.
And the sun may see,
but it does not hear.


The original version:

The sun sees through the trees,

sees through the glass,

sees through me.



It saturates my window.

It brightly warms my hand,

as if in proposition.



My smile concedes like a girl

that has just been asked to dance.

I can't restrain this smile

any more that I can restrain a sunset.



I don't try to.

I belong out there, in the trees

At the source

Eating sunshine and sipping moonlight

Filter free.



I roll down the window

so that there is nothing between us, 

the sun and I, 

and I want to shout "Stop!

Drop me off here".



But all I have are excuses.

And the sun may see,
but it does not hear.

Hi Samyarb - as happens often with revisions, the original version was better. The crits were valid, but somewhere in trying to make amends, you lost some of the beauty that was there in the previous version.
No sweat, a proper revision can take months if not years...