12-13-2015, 01:01 PM
Hi Larry -
Hello, just mercedes. Thank you for responding.
your poem opens with an image of leaves - and that's the only real thing in your poem.
True, the poem deals with emotional growth resulting from one analyzing his reactions and behaviors during difficult times and disagreements in a close relationship -- the cycle of "ups and downs" that most committed relationships go through periodically. This particular poem was written in response to one such recent incident this fall. Hence the term "fall," and my using that term, in a pun sort of way, in "fall from grace," which is often the outcome of such a disagreement -- (and, really what this poem deals with.) My friend should understand the "fall" connection, and I'll explain everything she doesn't pick up on. (Also, for many people, fall is a sad part of the year, because summer is over and winter looms ahead. Many people use this season for self reflection.)
You move into abstract terms at once, and lose me.
I don't understand why you were lost. I'm almost sure you can understand abstraction. Please explain why you were lost. Did you have some preconceptions after you read the first line? If you had them, should you have had them? Thanks.
Rather than recite a list of things known, a poem seeks to show these things in a new way.
Well, I think there are many different types of poems, not only those that show things in new ways, maybe some just reinforce things well known, with a few poetic stylistics. Am I wrong in this thinking? But I'll agree that poems showing things in new ways are more interesting and informative. This poem tries to "document" a recent incident, and my earlier drafts were much more abstract, and as I revised it, I tried to make it more understandable, and to characterize the nature of periodic "ups and downs" in a relationship, and the rebuilding that takes place afterward, after a "fall from grace."
I like the opening image, of leaves falling to the ground - it's a necessary part of the cycle of life, and I think that's the message you want your poem to send. Can you take that image further?
Well, I tried to characterize the cycles in relationships, the "ups and downs," specifically recovering from a low point.
You've used end line rhyme, but with no pattern. aabb cddd eeff gghh For me it feels clumsy.
True, the second stanza deviates from the pattern of the other three stanzas. I started out with ccdd for the second stanza in trying to keep everything uniform, but in revising it, I changed the second line and the third and fourth lines naturally fell into place, and I liked the way it increased the pace of the reading for that stanza (from my perspective, of course.) For me, in reading it, that stanza somewhat "forcefully" stands out, and, as such, defines the subject of the poem. The last two stanzas deal with a process of facing life's issues. Do you feel differently about the second stanza and its place in the poem after this explanation? I can go back and try to make it ccdd, if you think cddd ruins the whole thing? What do you think? Can't one deviate a tad from rigidity for emphasis, to reinforce a point? Thanks for any input you can give me, just mercedes.
There's no regular syllable count to the lines either.
Unless I'm mistaken, each line has seven syllables, unless you're counting a comma as a syllable. I purposely made the second line in each stanza flow directly into the third, without a comma, to keep some uniformity of construction.
As does the second line in the second stanza. Although grammatically correct, it's hard to read.
Yes, I agree. I think in an earlier draft I had what's below. (Do you like that better? I do.) I had revised the poem so much that I reached the point of diminishing returns, and decided to post it here to get some feedback from you all.)
Change does arrive in the fall,
Maybe in a fall from grace
That takes one to a new place,
Some of life's issues to face.
I like the idea of returning a poem for a poem, that's wonderful! I like the sentiments you're working with, and I wish you luck with revising!
Thank you, just mercedes. I'm sure the poem will mean a lot to my lady friend. Any more input you can give will be greatly appreciated, maybe even to suggest some revised lines yourself. As Picasso said, "Good artists borrow, great artists steal." So, if I steal one of your poetic revisions, I guess that would make me a great artist, wouldn't it?
Thanks again,
Larry B.
Hello, just mercedes. Thank you for responding.
your poem opens with an image of leaves - and that's the only real thing in your poem.
True, the poem deals with emotional growth resulting from one analyzing his reactions and behaviors during difficult times and disagreements in a close relationship -- the cycle of "ups and downs" that most committed relationships go through periodically. This particular poem was written in response to one such recent incident this fall. Hence the term "fall," and my using that term, in a pun sort of way, in "fall from grace," which is often the outcome of such a disagreement -- (and, really what this poem deals with.) My friend should understand the "fall" connection, and I'll explain everything she doesn't pick up on. (Also, for many people, fall is a sad part of the year, because summer is over and winter looms ahead. Many people use this season for self reflection.)
You move into abstract terms at once, and lose me.
I don't understand why you were lost. I'm almost sure you can understand abstraction. Please explain why you were lost. Did you have some preconceptions after you read the first line? If you had them, should you have had them? Thanks.
Rather than recite a list of things known, a poem seeks to show these things in a new way.
Well, I think there are many different types of poems, not only those that show things in new ways, maybe some just reinforce things well known, with a few poetic stylistics. Am I wrong in this thinking? But I'll agree that poems showing things in new ways are more interesting and informative. This poem tries to "document" a recent incident, and my earlier drafts were much more abstract, and as I revised it, I tried to make it more understandable, and to characterize the nature of periodic "ups and downs" in a relationship, and the rebuilding that takes place afterward, after a "fall from grace."
I like the opening image, of leaves falling to the ground - it's a necessary part of the cycle of life, and I think that's the message you want your poem to send. Can you take that image further?
Well, I tried to characterize the cycles in relationships, the "ups and downs," specifically recovering from a low point.
You've used end line rhyme, but with no pattern. aabb cddd eeff gghh For me it feels clumsy.
True, the second stanza deviates from the pattern of the other three stanzas. I started out with ccdd for the second stanza in trying to keep everything uniform, but in revising it, I changed the second line and the third and fourth lines naturally fell into place, and I liked the way it increased the pace of the reading for that stanza (from my perspective, of course.) For me, in reading it, that stanza somewhat "forcefully" stands out, and, as such, defines the subject of the poem. The last two stanzas deal with a process of facing life's issues. Do you feel differently about the second stanza and its place in the poem after this explanation? I can go back and try to make it ccdd, if you think cddd ruins the whole thing? What do you think? Can't one deviate a tad from rigidity for emphasis, to reinforce a point? Thanks for any input you can give me, just mercedes.
There's no regular syllable count to the lines either.
Unless I'm mistaken, each line has seven syllables, unless you're counting a comma as a syllable. I purposely made the second line in each stanza flow directly into the third, without a comma, to keep some uniformity of construction.
As does the second line in the second stanza. Although grammatically correct, it's hard to read.
Yes, I agree. I think in an earlier draft I had what's below. (Do you like that better? I do.) I had revised the poem so much that I reached the point of diminishing returns, and decided to post it here to get some feedback from you all.)
Change does arrive in the fall,
Maybe in a fall from grace
That takes one to a new place,
Some of life's issues to face.
I like the idea of returning a poem for a poem, that's wonderful! I like the sentiments you're working with, and I wish you luck with revising!
Thank you, just mercedes. I'm sure the poem will mean a lot to my lady friend. Any more input you can give will be greatly appreciated, maybe even to suggest some revised lines yourself. As Picasso said, "Good artists borrow, great artists steal." So, if I steal one of your poetic revisions, I guess that would make me a great artist, wouldn't it?
Thanks again,
Larry B.
I drift like a wave on the ocean.
I blow as aimless as the wind.
I blow as aimless as the wind.