12-13-2015, 05:36 AM
Hi Larry - your poem opens with an image of leaves - and that's the only real thing in your poem. You move into abstract terms at once, and lose me. Rather than recite a list of things known, a poem seeks to show these things in a new way.
I like the opening image, of leaves falling to the ground - it's a necessary part of the cycle of life, and I think that's the message you want your poem to send. Can you take that image further?
You've used end line rhyme, but with no pattern. aabb cddd eeff gghh For me it feels clumsy. There's no regular syllable count to the lines either.
As does the second line in the second stanza. Although grammatically correct, it's hard to read.
I like the idea of returning a poem for a poem, that's wonderful! I like the sentiments you're working with, and I wish you luck with revising!
I like the opening image, of leaves falling to the ground - it's a necessary part of the cycle of life, and I think that's the message you want your poem to send. Can you take that image further?
You've used end line rhyme, but with no pattern. aabb cddd eeff gghh For me it feels clumsy. There's no regular syllable count to the lines either.
As does the second line in the second stanza. Although grammatically correct, it's hard to read.
I like the idea of returning a poem for a poem, that's wonderful! I like the sentiments you're working with, and I wish you luck with revising!