12-09-2015, 11:33 AM
I like this poem, but that's neither here nor there, it's my style. I disagree with a lot of what other people have said, which is also neither here nor there.
There's obviously a lot of personal meanings here that no one but you is ever going to understand, i.e. what does it mean to not be an albatross? How does Newton relate to many of these things? I can come up with something plausible but it doesn't matter. It's bordering on a personal mythology level of obfuscation, which I personally think is great. It forces you to focus on the aesthetic and think for yourself, or, you know, complain about not having the meaning handed to you on a platter.
As someone who writes a lot of very obfuscated poems, my trick to making it work is to vigilantly avoid copying, phrase-wise, anything unintentionally. In other words, if it's personal it better be personal.
With that in mind, why "pink flesh"? is flesh pink? is the pinkness the point? or are you just using the term without (possibly undue) consideration?
Why "of my sink"? as opposed to "in my sink." I get the image and I like the metaphor, that the sink is made into a delta, but saying it like that sounds a bit writerly in an otherwise plainly written piece.
There's obviously a lot of personal meanings here that no one but you is ever going to understand, i.e. what does it mean to not be an albatross? How does Newton relate to many of these things? I can come up with something plausible but it doesn't matter. It's bordering on a personal mythology level of obfuscation, which I personally think is great. It forces you to focus on the aesthetic and think for yourself, or, you know, complain about not having the meaning handed to you on a platter.
As someone who writes a lot of very obfuscated poems, my trick to making it work is to vigilantly avoid copying, phrase-wise, anything unintentionally. In other words, if it's personal it better be personal.
With that in mind, why "pink flesh"? is flesh pink? is the pinkness the point? or are you just using the term without (possibly undue) consideration?
Why "of my sink"? as opposed to "in my sink." I get the image and I like the metaphor, that the sink is made into a delta, but saying it like that sounds a bit writerly in an otherwise plainly written piece.