12-06-2015, 12:35 PM
@cidermaid - Thank you very much for the read, and your diligent, helpful critique.
Your critique again makes me wonder if the sonnet (even, as in this case, modified and with a few nips and tucks) is appropriate for sociological or ethical issues (or mundane narratives). Perhaps there's an unspoken rule that, as the haiku is supposed to contain a seasonal reference, the successful sonnet will contain at least a metaphorical reference to love and romance.
You're certainly correct about "brood," it's intransitive. Should be "plot" or "scheme" or the like.
"Potage" is also wrong, but it's a little more subtle. The English spelling does have two tees, but doesn't rhyme with "sabotage." The French word (from which the English word is derived) has one tee and rhymes with "sabotage." My error was in failing to italicize "potage" to show it's a foreign word. [Didn't know any of that before researching it due to your critique - thanks again!]
And not to be defensive, but I did have some metaphorical variant of the dictionary meaning of "arbitrage" in mind - the plotter trading one idea of revenge for another that seems better again and again in his fevered mind. Strained? If it doesn't work for you, it's not working - but it will be the devil finding another rhyme for "sabotage" - corsage, anyone?
"Yourself's" is meant to be a contraction of "yourself is," but, again, if it's unclear it needs to be made clearer.
In conclusion, I need to make many edits. Your suggestions about deleting unnecessary words and lines will be harder to implement within the sonnet form, but filler is filler: the syllables remain, but should advance the poem, not just occupy required spaces.
I'll hold back posting my edit for a time in hopes that (as has happened before) another critique will arrive dealing with the poem's sins against the sonnet form. Then I can triangulate, implementing the best of both.
Your critique again makes me wonder if the sonnet (even, as in this case, modified and with a few nips and tucks) is appropriate for sociological or ethical issues (or mundane narratives). Perhaps there's an unspoken rule that, as the haiku is supposed to contain a seasonal reference, the successful sonnet will contain at least a metaphorical reference to love and romance.
You're certainly correct about "brood," it's intransitive. Should be "plot" or "scheme" or the like.
"Potage" is also wrong, but it's a little more subtle. The English spelling does have two tees, but doesn't rhyme with "sabotage." The French word (from which the English word is derived) has one tee and rhymes with "sabotage." My error was in failing to italicize "potage" to show it's a foreign word. [Didn't know any of that before researching it due to your critique - thanks again!]
And not to be defensive, but I did have some metaphorical variant of the dictionary meaning of "arbitrage" in mind - the plotter trading one idea of revenge for another that seems better again and again in his fevered mind. Strained? If it doesn't work for you, it's not working - but it will be the devil finding another rhyme for "sabotage" - corsage, anyone?
"Yourself's" is meant to be a contraction of "yourself is," but, again, if it's unclear it needs to be made clearer.
In conclusion, I need to make many edits. Your suggestions about deleting unnecessary words and lines will be harder to implement within the sonnet form, but filler is filler: the syllables remain, but should advance the poem, not just occupy required spaces.
I'll hold back posting my edit for a time in hopes that (as has happened before) another critique will arrive dealing with the poem's sins against the sonnet form. Then I can triangulate, implementing the best of both.
Non-practicing atheist