A Fool for Peace - Edit1
#2
Hi dukealien,  I'll leave a few comments for you.
Over-all I have to admit that I did not get that excited about this one but equally it bumbled along sweetly enough and delivered the message in a pleasant way.
I personally think cap on each new line dated and confuses the read by altered punctuation, so would suggest you loose this and clarify your punctuation.

(12-06-2015, 12:15 AM)dukealien Wrote:  A Fool for Peace     I liked the title.  sets up the text which then gets right down to delivering.


Surely this has happened once to you:  Not a fan of this as an opener.  It feels wordy without really hooking me in, think you could do a heavy cut on this line or even remove it altogether.
A slight, an insult makes your temper flare.
You growl and grumble, wrathful as a bear,
And plot revenge: they’ll pay, they’ll bleed, I’ll sue!  Try not to repeat words, esp on the same line.  Could just swap out the second they'll for an and.

So you have set out a rhyme scheme in this first stanza but then by the second stanza swapped it around. from the first two lines rhyming to the last two lines.  Not a big thing here, but it is noticeable.  Simple rhymes are fine but make sure they do not hijack or drive the poem just for the sake of a rhyme.


The monologue begins: no time to spare
For rest or reason.  Plans for sabotage
And murder brood: a bomb, poisoned potage,  And brood murder seems off here. (and spelling on pottage.  Perhaps murder broods; a bomb or poisoned pottage. 
Slashed tires, keyed paint, their car’s brakes fixed for fair!  Could trim their out of this line.

And then, amid this inner arbitrage 
like the use of arbitrage if it was just for the sound, but not sure you meant this usage here, but the number of times and is used is beginning to rack up and be noticed.  (see below).  How about diatribe (meaning forceful / bitter verbal attack  ...which is the word I think you meant)

Of vengeful schemes, your villain’s grin of glee
Turns sad and rueful, for you’ve come to see
How silly it all was, a fool’s mirage.

    The art of laughing at yourself’s release  no s on the end of yourself.  your own or you could put it   The art of laughing at yourself, released from hurt and anger; to be a fool for peace
    From hurt and anger: be a fool for peace!
Hope some of this helps.  AJ.

(noun

noun: arbitrage
  1. 1.
    the simultaneous buying and selling of securities, currency, or commodities in different markets or in derivative forms in order to take advantage of differing prices for the same asset.
    "profitable arbitrage opportunities")

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Messages In This Thread
A Fool for Peace - Edit1 - by dukealien - 12-06-2015, 12:15 AM
RE: A Fool for Peace - by cidermaid - 12-06-2015, 02:37 AM
RE: A Fool for Peace - by dukealien - 12-06-2015, 12:35 PM
RE: A Fool for Peace - by cidermaid - 12-06-2015, 06:26 PM
RE: A Fool for Peace - by milo - 12-06-2015, 11:48 PM
RE: A Fool for Peace - by dukealien - 12-07-2015, 07:00 AM



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