12-05-2015, 09:58 PM
Since you bumped this...
Nice edits to this version. My first read prompted these thoughts...I can't quote correctly as on an iPad.
1. The lines ."Master feeds, admires shortly then leaves//
it be..." Don't work for me, too abrupt. The word master doesn't seem to fit for one thing, I can't get a cheesy old vampire movie out of my head with a character saying "the master will kill you for this!". The line break seems to interrupt where it ought not.
2. " Perhaps its like a cat, half domesticated,
half animal". This also seems odd, nonpoetic perhaps, verbose certainly. Perhaps semi-tame, or half tame? Then assume the other half. Also, domesticated/ animal isn't really a dichotomy.
More later, it's great potential there
Nice edits to this version. My first read prompted these thoughts...I can't quote correctly as on an iPad.
1. The lines ."Master feeds, admires shortly then leaves//
it be..." Don't work for me, too abrupt. The word master doesn't seem to fit for one thing, I can't get a cheesy old vampire movie out of my head with a character saying "the master will kill you for this!". The line break seems to interrupt where it ought not.
2. " Perhaps its like a cat, half domesticated,
half animal". This also seems odd, nonpoetic perhaps, verbose certainly. Perhaps semi-tame, or half tame? Then assume the other half. Also, domesticated/ animal isn't really a dichotomy.
More later, it's great potential there