Thief Amongst Us

[reverentpain]

Hello, I'm new to poetry. I've been writing for almost a month now and ready, to jump right in. I'm ready for the criticism, please don't hold back. 

It's written with portrayal of Satan, preying on the saved. 


An edit after being on the site awhile. 

Thief Amongst Us
----------------------------

Take heed, there's a thief amongst us. 
Not looking for valuables, or junk stuff. 
Persistent in what he wants, he wants us. 

He'll come over no announce.  
Show himself into the house. 
Sit beside you on the couch. 
Keeping tabs on your spouse.

You go ride into town. 
He's with you in the car. 
Knows wherever you are. 
So,  he'll never be far. 

He's a spy. He wants to know why,
the liquor store, you've not been by. 
Knows, you've been praying at night, 
smiling bright.Your trying to live right.

When just one week ago. 
You were all at the dive.  
Where you drank till five. 
Barely getting back alive. 

So now, he schemes and plots. 
He'll have you back in distraught. 
Stirring up some trouble steadfast.
Bothers him more, with time pass. 
 
He needs to have you back. 
Before you become to adapt. 
Or worse, your faith attract.
Then have a person react. 

He'll fight for you back till you die. 
Won't stop no matter what you try. 
No action will be able to ditch him. 
He's owner of the world you live in. 

He'll bring the fight right to your door. 
Gear up soldier, your now at war.






-=Original=-

Thief Amongst Us
-------------------------------


There's a thief amongst us,
He's not looking for valuables, or junk stuff,

Persistent in what he wants, he wants us,

He'll come to your house,
Sit beside you on the couch,
He'll keep tabs on your spouse, 

Ride into town, he's with you in the car, wherever you are, he's never to far, 

He's a spy, wants to know why, the bar, liquor store, you've not been by,

Also you've been praying at night, your face is bright, and trying to live right, 

Just a week ago, you were at the dive, drunk till about five,
He's never seen you so alive,

So now he'll scheme and plot, to get you back in distraught,

Stir trouble steadfast, he's more bothered as seconds pass,

He needs you back, before you become to adapt, or worse, your faith might attract, and a person react,

He'll fight for you back till you die, he won't stop, no matter what you try,

No action will be able to ditch him, he owns the world you live in,

He'll bring the fight right to your door, 

Gear up soldier, your now at war.

When reading this, I find myself wondering what the inspiration was for this poem. Do you feel like the Devil is at your door? Do you feel that he is at everyone's door? I enjoyed the pattern of it back and forth between long lines and short. I wonder if, however, it would sound put together when read out loud? Maybe trying and even it out, stick with a more general pattern. Also, in your poem, you use the word "your" twice. "Your" is a possessive word (your house, your hand, your thoughts...). It would be better suited if you used the contraction "you're" (you are) in place (you're a great writer, you're in college, you're sitting down...). If you read it out, and it sounds like "you are" would fit the sentence as well as "you're", then the contraction is the one you want. As another commenter noted, I can see a lot of progress between the two pieces, so keep going, you are definitely headed in the right direction! Keep up with these interesting pieces. Probably because I'm so new to poetry, I'm used to poetry on love and pain, and personal experiences. To me, this piece was like a story, I had a running image in my head. I enjoyed that immensely.