12-05-2015, 10:11 AM
the poem feels like it's trying to hard to be a poem.
while vast verdant has meaning. it feels opposite to an idyllic country scene that's going down the tube so to speak. while the [V's] are good the words have a feel of too much.
the [F's] on the other work better; are less discordant
the three [C's] again feel a bit too much.
no need of [created by] in the 2nd.
what would it be like if you went in the opposite direction and tried for less profound. i wish i could be of some help
while vast verdant has meaning. it feels opposite to an idyllic country scene that's going down the tube so to speak. while the [V's] are good the words have a feel of too much.
the [F's] on the other work better; are less discordant
the three [C's] again feel a bit too much.
no need of [created by] in the 2nd.
what would it be like if you went in the opposite direction and tried for less profound. i wish i could be of some help