Mommy, I didn't mean to cry
#6
'there's madmen outside' sounds unconvincing at worst, ineffective at best. It deviates from the strict reporting of events of the previous lines, and is less chilling.
Suggest 'they're standing outside'

also somewhat rhymes with 'banging' in L1 - pleasing to the ear.
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Messages In This Thread
Mommy, I didn't mean to cry - by QDeathstar - 11-29-2015, 10:29 PM
RE: Mommy, I didn't mean to cry - by gas - 11-30-2015, 03:05 AM
RE: Mommy, I didn't mean to cry - by ellajam - 11-30-2015, 07:15 AM
RE: Mommy, I didn't mean to cry - by DeakinDeakin - 11-30-2015, 08:33 PM
RE: Mommy, I didn't mean to cry - by skadragon - 11-30-2015, 11:31 AM
RE: Mommy, I didn't mean to cry - by Achebe - 11-30-2015, 10:35 PM
RE: Mommy, I didn't mean to cry - by QDeathstar - 12-01-2015, 07:05 AM



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