11-30-2015, 12:14 PM
I would *love* to see this piece written with imagery taking precedence over rhyme. You've got a great premise, but I think the rhyming is interrupting the message. (In my opinion, rhyming isn't what makes poetry, emotion and clarity are.)
You're describing the behavior of this being, and how it relates to one's every day life, but to me it reads more like a series of bits of information, or a script. It seems to lack purpose until the very end. Maybe elaborate on what it feels like to have this being lurking insidiously.
I really like how his desperation becomes evident in the second half of the piece, I can see him grappling, I can feel a sense of doom. The ending line is really a kicker, but I think it would be instrumental to have a bit more build up in the lines leading up to it.
Looking forward to seeing what else you come up with. Keep up the good work
You're describing the behavior of this being, and how it relates to one's every day life, but to me it reads more like a series of bits of information, or a script. It seems to lack purpose until the very end. Maybe elaborate on what it feels like to have this being lurking insidiously.
I really like how his desperation becomes evident in the second half of the piece, I can see him grappling, I can feel a sense of doom. The ending line is really a kicker, but I think it would be instrumental to have a bit more build up in the lines leading up to it.
Looking forward to seeing what else you come up with. Keep up the good work