11-28-2015, 08:08 PM
This is a great first poem. For one, its actually poetic. Theres no point in writing if you have nothing to say. You clearly had something to express and thats awesome.
A couple things:
Maybe ditch the title for something a bit more poetic and less repetitive. I'm having trouble envisioning the.entire.first stanza. I'm afraid the metaphor with stars just isnt as strong as intended, and as John said comes off a bit cliche, which in the end makes the poem weak. Believe me I've sat(for hours sometimes) trying to figure out a way to effectively compare the power and beauty of the universe to something/one in my life. Its really hard to do
The 2nd stanza is nice in terms of effect. The "palette of existence" is a bit much, and I'd replace 'neath' with 'under.' This time you accurately used your metaphors but again, the whole 'painter-canvas' thing has been done a million times now. You're trying to be poetic with your expression, which i get, but sometimes its better to be direct than use the same, overused metaphors. Again, great first poem-- I'd love to see an edit of this.
Mike
A couple things:
Maybe ditch the title for something a bit more poetic and less repetitive. I'm having trouble envisioning the.entire.first stanza. I'm afraid the metaphor with stars just isnt as strong as intended, and as John said comes off a bit cliche, which in the end makes the poem weak. Believe me I've sat(for hours sometimes) trying to figure out a way to effectively compare the power and beauty of the universe to something/one in my life. Its really hard to do
The 2nd stanza is nice in terms of effect. The "palette of existence" is a bit much, and I'd replace 'neath' with 'under.' This time you accurately used your metaphors but again, the whole 'painter-canvas' thing has been done a million times now. You're trying to be poetic with your expression, which i get, but sometimes its better to be direct than use the same, overused metaphors. Again, great first poem-- I'd love to see an edit of this.
Mike