The Gift Of The Empty Hand (edit #3)

[ellajam]

Well, thank you Pig Pen, you've really come through for this piece with what we do best, such varied responses that will make me think about every choice I've made. There's everything from tweak a bit to lose most of it. You give great crit.

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things. //Should this be the title? The current title sounds a little tired to me, and its tone doesn't match the piece.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse. "ready for reuse" needs changing. Or to be removed entirely.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;  Does "could never" sounds better here than "couldn't."
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject. Is this line even necessary?
Closets stacked with picnic baskets Yes, agree with above poster about the nice hard sounds here
and fixable vacuum cleaners, I would ditch "fixable" for "repairable," but this is personal preference. The image is great.
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them. I would rework this line. The image is perfect but to end it with this wording seems fumbling.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today. I like this last stanza.

Overall, I think I like this poem. It rings a little cliche the way most undeniable truths ring cliche. There are a few things I would change - I highlighted the ones I thought would best fit the direction the poem takes.

Regards,
ThatsNotFennel

Welcome to the Pen! Thank you for using using one of your first three on this, a gift all the more precious because you haven't got one in return yet. I appreciate the thorough read and offering of suggestions. Also, fennel is pretty distinctive, you've got me wondering what it could be instead.

Great idea for the title, although the current one is as cliched as the rest of the piece. Maybe I can turn it otherwise, but it's true, I'm telling a common story.

"reuse" for me indicates that it is not collecting just for the sake of collecting. It is an important idea for this piece, I'll see if I can get it across in some better way.

Couldn't is a clunky word, I'll reconsider.

favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
 I guess I could lose "on every subject", or find a more interesting way to say say it.

Repairable may be better, I'll try it out, thanks.

I'll work on the photos line and see if I can come up with something better. I have details, I'll reconsider whether my choice not to use them here was sound.

Thank you so much for giving me so much to think about and again, very happy to have you here.

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject. Can you give a couple of names?
Closets stacked with picnic baskets Describe one?
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes, I saw them
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty, I LOVE this line
free to hold today.

Hi - this is lovely - just a couple of suggestions, a little more particulars. Left me with a sad warmth.

Thanks so much for the read, JM, it doesn't surprise me that you read it where I wrote it, great suggestions.

Cutting "of saving" means cutting "ready for reuse", leaving
Eighty years sorted and labeled.
maybe two birds with one stone and I'll find another way to express value.

Losing "on every subject" and maybe "closets stacked" might leave room for better detail. Thanks.

Yep, the line you love is the heart of it.  

mmy reaction was a bit different...

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things.   powerful start, I was ready to be emoted here...

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,  i honestly feel like these are just name drops, I mean, what do they really add to the poem
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them.  so, basically a whole stanza on how she collects a lot of books, old vacuums, and some pictures destined to fade away (Polaroid film isn't stable). I am let down, I mean, the title and first line gave me a lot of emotion and this is just... bleh. I dont even think the fact that she lost it all below redeems the amount of time spent in this stanza.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty, im not sure about the word full, it's a small detail, but, full has perhaps a more positive connotation...   I'm trying to imagine a better phrase but I just can't work it out... Also, reading this one stanza, I wanted to connect the first two lines in this stanza with the last two lines, and I can't... maybe you need a "now" before my arms, or isolate the last two lines somehow.
free to hold today.

some thoughts, thanks for the read.

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edit:
I do like how your loss ties into her loss and how her ability to accept it allowed you to accept it, I think that is what makes this a poem worth reading.  every suggestion I can think of for the second to last line muddies that connection too much...

Thanks, Q, for taking the time with this,  a refreshing splash of cold water.

I was hoping the name dropping would do two things: Give a sense of the collector's eclectic favorites and a sense of the time span. Neither seems to have been accomplished for you, I'll think about whether or not I can say it more effectively.

Full is trying to explain the weight of empty. I was hoping that combined with the opening line it would be clear the collector is no longer alive except in the minds of people who know all these details and that, indeed, the details really don't matter. I can see I've missed my mark with you, I'll see what I can do to clarify.

Your view helps me so much, thanks for expressing it so clearly.

---

I just remembered a piece I did on the same subject:
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-11891.html

Maybe I'll title it You Left Without Your Things, and add the last two lines from here and call it a day.