The Clouds

[billy]

sonnets usually come in two parts, yours comes in one; there is no separation; no set up and no conclusion [volta] or shift.
the first five lines are of a sameness that wastes 4 lines. the rest has little or no substance. wish i could say more or be more constructive but i see nothing here that i can get to grips with. the repetition simply blew me away

THE CLOUDS

I wonder if I've seen the world beyond
the clouds -- no, not the filled-in blanks between
our sun and all the other suns beyond,
but the blankness itself, the in-between....
what is the seeing? When I was a child,
I thought I saw it, or at least its reflection,
as I sat on the pew, the Lord's lost child
forced to see the light, or at least its reflection
in the preacher's eyes....what was the saying?
never look at the sun with your bare eyes?
When I saw you, I thought I forgot the saying,
until I remembered my faith -- my eyes
were already blank. You were just a dream
to me, of clouds, of stars, of in-betweens....