Foam Walls

[QDeathstar]

Between creamy silences,
there lives a hungry nothing in my brain.
It's strange, really,
that these lonely white walls don't
sing.

My first thought is that for someone in an insane asylum, what is going on in their head is mundane....


I think you may try replacing the mundane word "walls" in the title with something slightly more emotional. Cage, trap, shroud, safety net, who knows. Walls doesn't convey anything about how you are feeling. Convey something.

The first line does a good job of drawing you in, especially associated with the title (that needs improvement) it provides an interesting perspective. It works, I like it. However, I think the second line would be more effective if you found a way to move "hungry nothing" to the end of the line letting it linger in the readers mind just a little longer, in a way, stirring the readers own hungry nothing as he reads the piece. It's interesting phrasing but it gets muddled in the middle.

I'd drop that these from the fourth line.. I think the sounds of really, lonely walls might be OK.

However, on the lonely walls, the speaker is with the lonely walls, so, the walls aren't lonely, they just won't talk to him. /thoughts.