An Overheard Conversation

[QDeathstar]

While I continue to rework The Wayward Sailor (the third edit is on the way), I wanted to post another early (though not too early) poem of mine. This one takes on a darker tone, but I hope has some of the same comedic elements of The Wayward Sailor. Also, you may get the idea that I like to rhyme in my poems. You would not be wrong!

Note: There are a few cliches here that I have yet to wring out for the particular reason that they make the rhyme work. If you all have any ideas in regards to this problem, it would be more than appreciated.

Overheard Conversation


Twas a dark and rainy night, this is practically plagiarism of 'twas the night before Christmas, my mind went there and hung out for the rest of the poem, but for no reason.
When two men took to smoking.
Both were laughing. Both were joking.
At each other, fun, they were poking.awkward word phrasing for so little payoff, imo.

And as I saw these two men,
The wind pitched to me their discourse:
“How do you suppose we fit ‘im
In that little thrift shop casket?”you said they were joking each other before, but when you describe what they actually said, it's completely different. Also, the rhyme scheme, why did it decide to go to lunch?

Then, in reply, the other said:said is such a boring word, but you've managed to utilize it's filling ways quite nicely throughout the poem. I think snorted might be better here.
“Tis quite a pity all we could find
To put this man, still of mind,
Is a dismal thrift shop casket.”

But still on he went,
With a snigger and a cough:
“Don’t you worry and don’t you fret,
For he will find a way to fit.”a lot of words just to say "he'll fit". Could you imagine if all the instrument in the entire orchestra decided to play whatever popped into their heads at the exact same time, cause there is a lot of that going on here.

“And if that he’s not fain to do,
We’ll chop ‘im up a time or two,
And we shall stuff his body in
That little thrift shop casket!”

I think the title needs work. I went here expecting more than a couple of career criminals discussing the best way to fit someone in a casket. I also think that the poem lacks perspective. There isn't a story here, there's no plot.