The Clouds

[Badatpoetry101]

THE CLOUDS

I wonder if I've seen the world beyond 1
the clouds -- no, not the filled-in blanks between 2
our sun and all the other suns beyond, 3
but the blankness itself, the in-between.... 4
what is the seeing? When I was a child, 5
I thought I saw it, or at least its reflection, 6
as I sat on the pew, the Lord's lost child 7
forced to see the light, or at least its reflection 8
in the preacher's eyes....what was the saying? 9
never look at the sun with your bare eyes? 10
When I saw you, I thought I forgot the saying, 11
until I remembered my faith -- my eyes 12
were already blank. You were just a dream 13
to me, of clouds, of stars, of in-betweens.... 14

Hello, I'll try my best. The Clouds, RiverNotch, feels very spoken word to me. Was that what you were going for? The reason I say this is because of the constant umm bombardment(?) of going back to the title/previous lines, the free verse style, suddenly becoming personal then going back to the theme. And it feels emotional(?); which emotion I am not very sure. Not to say that this is a good/bad thing just to say why I think this is spoken word-ish.

At times the language feels awkward. And the structure causes you to pause when it still feels fluid like their is no pause needed (1) Starting the second line with
"-- no, not,"
is perfectly acceptable and makes the poem fluid; as the break causes a pause at "beyond" (1).
"What is the seeing?" (5) Is not a phrase you encounter every day. Fully cognizant that it is meant as some sort of philosophical query. It just sounds weird to me reading it in my head. I am not sure if the repitition in (6) and (8) is intentional. In line (10) make sure that it is an actual saying/idiom/proverb otherwise the non-reference is lost since it doesn't exist. Line (11) I did not see coming. The whole philosphy-esque ranting to the wall feel of the poem I was having line (11) transported me under the covers in bed talking silently to myself. From (11) to (13) I become a lot more confused. In line (14) I do not think the trailing off is necessary.

I would suggest keeping the goal of the poem in mind. And writing with purpose i.e. how does this line contribute to the overarching theme/thesis/emotion that I am trying to convey. Writing what comes to mind is helpful as a very rough sketch. If someone is trying to decipher what you mean in a poem or are confused by it you did not convey yourself properly. I am not sure what the 'theme' of this poem is. I am unsure of what emotion you want me to feel. Keep in mind poetry is either written to evoke a certain emotion or express one (being reductive here but meh). Remember adding things like color help express your mood or the time of day/season.

I hope to see another draft of your poem. Ask yourself what it is you want your readers to feel write it down at the top so you don't lose focus. And don't just add phrases that sound cool, but might not make a lot of sense.