An Overheard Conversation

[dukealien]

While I continue to rework The Wayward Sailor (the third edit is on the way), I wanted to post another early (though not too early) poem of mine. This one takes on a darker tone, but I hope has some of the same comedic elements of The Wayward Sailor. Also, you may get the idea that I like to rhyme in my poems. You would not be wrong!

Note: There are a few cliches here that I have yet to wring out for the particular reason that they make the rhyme work. If you all have any ideas in regards to this problem, it would be more than appreciated.

Overheard Conversation


Twas a dark and rainy night,
When two men took to smoking.
Both were laughing. Both were joking.
At each other, fun, they were poking.

And as I saw these two men,
The wind pitched to me their discourse:
“How do you suppose we fit ‘im
In that little thrift shop casket?”

Then, in reply, the other said:
“Tis quite a pity all we could find
To put this man, still of mind,
Is a dismal thrift shop casket.”

But still on he went,
With a snigger and a cough:
“Don’t you worry and don’t you fret,
For he will find a way to fit.”

“And if that he’s not fain to do,
We’ll chop ‘im up a time or two,
And we shall stuff his body in
That little thrift shop casket!”

I see the story, which is (as intended) both dark and humorous.  A few gentle critiques/suggestions:

Nothing wrong with free verse or blank verse, though you have quite a few line-end rhymes.  If you wanted to, this poem could have a consistent meter which might make it a little easier to read and at the same time funnier (if not darker).  I'd suggest the tom-tom meter of Longfellow's "Hiawatha," known for (among other things) its amenability to humorous parody - that is, /./././.  or "trochaic tetrameter."  Your first stanza could become (apologies for the rewrite),

'Twas a dark and rainy midnight,
When two big men took to smoking.
Both were laughing. Both were joking,
At each other, fun  , they   were poking.

Just a thought.

In verse 4, line 1, "But still he went," use of "went" (past tense of "go," as in, "And then Veronica goes..." modern replacement for "say" and "said,") seems a little jarring with the more formal/old-fashioned style used elsewhere  ("fain to do").  Could be, for example, "But still he went on," de-modernizing without loss of sense and potentially improved meter.  (My mistake, you do have "on he went" there.)

Finally, and this is a nit-pick, I've seen few thrift shops that sell caskets, except maybe decorative at Halloween.  True, it was not an unknown practice to bury someone in an elaborate casket, then retrieve the casket for re-use and dump the corpse back into the ground in its winding-sheet or a cheap box.  Was waiting for inspiration to strike the duo:  "We could bury him in a basket!"

Bottom line:  Fun concept, and a good start.  Could (IMHO) be improved with some work on easing the rhythm while retaining the sinister, low-rent humor.