11-22-2015, 03:46 AM
(11-22-2015, 03:02 AM)rayheinrich Wrote:(11-22-2015, 01:02 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Thanks for the input guys. I have posted a minor credited edit. The hyphens were for symmetry but simply didn't float. Thanks for the correction. "spring or fall" may have been an indulgent line. - Thanks for noticing- it's gone.
Ray: The fact that I still like the last line while you find it pretentious concerns me deeply. Not for the sake of this poem, but for the sake of my writing in general. I have a lot of last lines not unlike this one and if they all have an element of pretense I'd much rather know about it and adjust. ( in this case I've left the last line, not to be stubborn but because as of yet I have no fix )
"if you don't pretend
and I don't pretend
pretending might end-
but pretend can pretend to end"
Gord Downie
I really shouldn't have termed it pretentious; that was going too far.
It was more along the line of it seeming too literary. But on re-reading it, it works well.
I guess my perception was a bit marginal the last time I read it.
Ray
Thanks Ray. Of course, I wasn't looking for a concession here. Your poetic instincts are always bang on, so if/when they conflict with mine I cannot make sense of the world (too pretentious) I get concerned. Even if it was just a first blurt, it is still something to think about. Endings are important and tricky.
if I cannot affect the end
where should I begin?
Paul

