11-20-2015, 11:59 AM
Hello Genuine-
Posting this one in SERIOUS is a bit of stretch, as I see much room for revision and tightening. (NOTE: I always see room for tightening).
So- let's have a taste of it---
Stealing Fruit
The oak at my back
was a useless sentry.like the opening, though "my" metaphor would have the oak as a sturdy, useful sentry
Pine circled
like witnesses around casualties, uh-oh, now we have pines, and unexpected casualties
while undergrowth in chlorophyll robes
curtained privacy
for a crop crying out to be eaten,
though mine to neither pick nor taste. Try as I may, from "while" to "taste" I can only scratch my head. I'm sorry, but I just can't make sense of it.
Blushed skin, freckled with fine hair interesting image here
brushed my mouth, releasing
notes of almost summer I am too dense to understand what "releasing notes of almost summer" means.
that approached my palate
then gently withdrew.
The morsel hastened a mouthful I gotta admit that it sounds like trees "making out"
and now my prize bit back,
resisting while yielding
and tasting while being consumed.
Eager participants in mutual destruction.
Oak and pine enshrine our secrets
one circle deeper with each passing year.
But taste fades like memories,
never forgotten, only losing
potency with each reimagining. You seem to be going for a deeper meaning than these words express: rings of trees marking the years, and memories wrapped up in it all.
Like the shrinking shadow of her scent Hmmm? scents have shadows... maybe so
where she rested briefly against my shoulder.
I have the feeling that this is all very clear in your head, but the words are not transferring with clarity into my head. I'm left with a general idea of your intent, but would really like it to hit me between the ears a little harder.
Thanks for the read!
... Mark
Posting this one in SERIOUS is a bit of stretch, as I see much room for revision and tightening. (NOTE: I always see room for tightening).
So- let's have a taste of it---
Stealing Fruit
The oak at my back
was a useless sentry.like the opening, though "my" metaphor would have the oak as a sturdy, useful sentry
Pine circled
like witnesses around casualties, uh-oh, now we have pines, and unexpected casualties
while undergrowth in chlorophyll robes
curtained privacy
for a crop crying out to be eaten,
though mine to neither pick nor taste. Try as I may, from "while" to "taste" I can only scratch my head. I'm sorry, but I just can't make sense of it.
Blushed skin, freckled with fine hair interesting image here
brushed my mouth, releasing
notes of almost summer I am too dense to understand what "releasing notes of almost summer" means.
that approached my palate
then gently withdrew.
The morsel hastened a mouthful I gotta admit that it sounds like trees "making out"
and now my prize bit back,
resisting while yielding
and tasting while being consumed.
Eager participants in mutual destruction.
Oak and pine enshrine our secrets
one circle deeper with each passing year.
But taste fades like memories,
never forgotten, only losing
potency with each reimagining. You seem to be going for a deeper meaning than these words express: rings of trees marking the years, and memories wrapped up in it all.
Like the shrinking shadow of her scent Hmmm? scents have shadows... maybe so
where she rested briefly against my shoulder.
I have the feeling that this is all very clear in your head, but the words are not transferring with clarity into my head. I'm left with a general idea of your intent, but would really like it to hit me between the ears a little harder.
Thanks for the read!
... Mark