November Sun - 2.0

[ellajam]

Hi, Tiger, I've been enjoying this for a while now, every time. I think you've got a strong hold of the form while letting it sit inside the poem in just the way I like, but I think you may not trust the strength of it enough. The meter will drive some of the pauses, so while I appreciate the skill and effect that the punctuation has, for me some of it seems off. I've put my nits below for you to consider. I work hard at my own punctuation but am no expert, maybe someone who knows better will think I'm all off, but this is what I would try.

The piece itself is strong and rich in image and fun metaphor, a lovely read. Well done.

Haiku turned sonnet. Been playing with this for awhile and haven't got it quite right. Still editing but would appreciate some thoughts. Thanks.

November Sun - first edit (thepoorfortune, dukealien, alstontowers)

Here, where the calendar begins to burn
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out, Strong, interesting opening, I'd try it without the comma after hearted.
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn Love this break every time.
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she, I think you may be able to lose the comma after her.
as if aloof, will every time retreat Maybe a semi here and a comma below.
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat.
But now November, where a change of wind
gives warm reprieve from the chilling distance—
she proudly beams as though she'd never sinned
and returns with such a sweet persistence, I'm not sure about this comma, but I love a run-on.
to boldly appeal for another chance—
We cannot make winter of such romance.