November Sun - 2.0

[AlstonTowers]

Haiku turned sonnet. Been playing with this for awhile and haven't got it quite right. Still editing but would appreciate some thoughts. Thanks.


November Sun

Here, where the calendar begins to burn
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out,
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she,
as if aloof, will every time retreat ---------------- Time re/treat
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat. ---------- Stead/y beat. Double rhyme, syllabic and end rhyme. Really nice.
But now November, where a change of wind
gives warm reprieve from the chill of distance—
she proudly beams like she had never sinned
and returns with such a sweet persistence, ----- Your rhythm is really nice in general, cannot fault it.
to warmly appeal for another chance—
We cannot make winter of such romance.

Bold: Excellent.
Italic: Some reworking maybe. 

JILTED. Great word, great meaning, goes excellently with heart-broken and the inverse of the colour red of romance to green. (seasonal, yes!)

"it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn

a leaf so lovely as these strewn about."

I read this over and over and out loud even though I'm in the library because I tried really hard to get to the bottom of why this jarred so much in my head. The flow is fantastic in the first line, 'fair to doubt that spring will ever turn a leaf so lovely...' but then 'as these strewn about' disjoints and jars what is otherwise a very rhythmic section. I think it is specifically the 'as these'. I understand because of the restrictions of the sonnet form a change to this is not going to be a particularly easy change, but it is only a suggestion.

"bend their backs to bow to her" Alliteration will always win my heart.

Warm and warmly?  Perhaps consider another word, just to add a deeper meaning, like the presence of jilted in the first line.

Overall, really quite good. The sonnet form is well executed. Great use of internal and external rhyme. Love it.