November Sun - 2.0

[dukealien]

Haiku turned sonnet. Been playing with this for awhile and haven't got it quite right. Still editing but would appreciate some thoughts. Thanks.


November Sun

Here, where the calendar begins to burn
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out,
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she,
as if aloof, will every time retreat
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat.
But now November, where a change of wind
gives warm reprieve from the chill of distance—
she proudly beams like she had never sinned
and returns with such a sweet persistence,
to warmly appeal for another chance—
We cannot make winter of such romance.

Took a moment to recognize the sonnet form without its usual typography (don't change it).

Overall, very nice, original turn on a commonplace (turn of the seasons) and personification of both season and the left-behind.

Dissatisfaction?  Could be with l.2, "broken-hearted" may be a more severe break in the iambic flow than even "jilted" justifies.  Perhaps a minor inversion like, "bleeds red, heart-broken, out," but that separates "bleeds out," which is important.  A puzzle:  all the words belong.

There are other examples of broken iambic (always pentameter, though), perhaps more than necessary for contrast, emphasis, and the like - makes the poem feel a little disjointed.  L.10 is another example - a change of wording that replaces the null "the" there with something more dynamic could also repair the iambic.

In l.11, "llike" (to me) doesn't work well.  Perhaps it's informality; I'd say, "as if she'd never sinned," the contraction is almost a signature of forms vs. free verse.

Just those suggestions, and the general idea of conforming a bit more closely to meter.  Not too much, though.  It's quite nice as is - wicked, fickle weather.