11-09-2015, 05:27 PM
I see something highly improbable and therefore funny in this situation. A guy adrift in the middle of the ocean in a barrel? Just to get away from his loud and cussing mates? It's priceless.
But your pome isn't exploiting the possibilities of that situation.
Here are some things to consider:
1) can you inject a but of irony into line 4 (L4)?
2) can you create some colourful phrases? Eg."routish men in loutish bouts/ nor to hear their drunken yells/ but the seawind's singsong swells?" - the last might be going overboard, but you get my drift
3) think of your sailor as Popeye meets don Quixote. The rest will follow.
Good start. Funny little piece. Has potential.
But your pome isn't exploiting the possibilities of that situation.
Here are some things to consider:
1) can you inject a but of irony into line 4 (L4)?
2) can you create some colourful phrases? Eg."routish men in loutish bouts/ nor to hear their drunken yells/ but the seawind's singsong swells?" - the last might be going overboard, but you get my drift
3) think of your sailor as Popeye meets don Quixote. The rest will follow.
Good start. Funny little piece. Has potential.