11-09-2015, 02:15 AM
Firstly, I would like to commend you. For a first poem, this is quite good for a beginner (I should should know, for I am a beginner, and I write not half as well!). Particularly, you show an excellent command of meter (with a few exceptions to be sure), and quite an excellent knowledge of poetic. Before, I go line by line, I should to ask if you have ever thought to rhyme? Now this poem certainly does not require a rhyme scheme, and it would not better it if there was. But, perhaps, later poems may benefit from such a form.
6. At the end of this put a period or a colon or some sort of punctuation, for the next line is a new thought.
2-3:7-8. Good on the thematic assonance here. However, is there anyway you can repeat the exact same lines in 7-8 a you had in 2-3. This would lead the reader to an even better understanding of the importance of these lines.
10. Once again, I enjoy the stanzas opening line.
14-15: Excellent imagery. One can really see the color of the line (which is, I think, what you were going for). However, I would replace "in our" with "on our," though that is a personal preference of mine.
19-21. I understand that this is the ultimate "goal" of the poem (these three lines). But unfortunately, to the modern sensibility they are a bit saccharine. This is not to say that i don't enjoy them, but in our time where cynics are poets and publishers, and it seems the only objective of modern poetry (And may God forsake it!) is some feeble, and ultimately disgusting attempt at subversion, we must be aware of our audience (to the detriment, I think, of any real poetical thought.
Once again, I enjoy the poem, and I can't wait to see what you have in store
- Do you remember me?
- When our stars struck over the churning seas
- We burst into a million little pieces,
- Each a letter spelling our love,
- Down to the water they rained
- A lingering luminescence
- So we lit the legend of you and me
- When our stars struck above the churning seas
-
- Do you remember me?
- When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree
- When I was the artist,
- And you were my canvas,
- Each kiss a new colour
- In the palette of our existence
- So we sketched the story of you and me
- When we made love ’neath the sycamore tree.
-
- Do you remember me?
- I remember you –
- I do.
6. At the end of this put a period or a colon or some sort of punctuation, for the next line is a new thought.
2-3:7-8. Good on the thematic assonance here. However, is there anyway you can repeat the exact same lines in 7-8 a you had in 2-3. This would lead the reader to an even better understanding of the importance of these lines.
10. Once again, I enjoy the stanzas opening line.
14-15: Excellent imagery. One can really see the color of the line (which is, I think, what you were going for). However, I would replace "in our" with "on our," though that is a personal preference of mine.
19-21. I understand that this is the ultimate "goal" of the poem (these three lines). But unfortunately, to the modern sensibility they are a bit saccharine. This is not to say that i don't enjoy them, but in our time where cynics are poets and publishers, and it seems the only objective of modern poetry (And may God forsake it!) is some feeble, and ultimately disgusting attempt at subversion, we must be aware of our audience (to the detriment, I think, of any real poetical thought.
Once again, I enjoy the poem, and I can't wait to see what you have in store