11-07-2015, 11:37 AM
i like this! i really do. it's interesting, and i think you've built a good structure. however you're right about the syllables and rhythm being off; if you read it, and maybe it sounds 'right' to you, but it sounds very awkward in certain places.
i suggest using contractions when you can; 'I have' to 'I've' and 'there will' to 'there'll'. running to catch a car, in the second stanza, doesn't make sense to me: who catches a car? you can catch a taxi, but not a car. maybe a bus? plane? not a car. that's a nitpick for me. also, in the first stanza, i'd add a bit of punctuation at the end of the lines to give a bit of punch and rhythm.
the third stanza starts off awkwardly with the question: i think you'd be better off without it. also, what do you do? how do you fall of a grind? to me it sounds like a sport. the whole stanza is too vague to form a clear idea.
the rest of this poem is a bit boring to me- walking too fast for a city is visually the most interesting idea of the poem, and you need to elaborate on that with more interesting language. 'clouds and trees are too pretty', for instance, does nothing to stimulate the brain.
anyways, i think it'd be a good idea to pare some of the lines down. a little bit of this and that and i think you'd have a very nice poem! good luck if you intend to edit.
43.
i suggest using contractions when you can; 'I have' to 'I've' and 'there will' to 'there'll'. running to catch a car, in the second stanza, doesn't make sense to me: who catches a car? you can catch a taxi, but not a car. maybe a bus? plane? not a car. that's a nitpick for me. also, in the first stanza, i'd add a bit of punctuation at the end of the lines to give a bit of punch and rhythm.
the third stanza starts off awkwardly with the question: i think you'd be better off without it. also, what do you do? how do you fall of a grind? to me it sounds like a sport. the whole stanza is too vague to form a clear idea.
the rest of this poem is a bit boring to me- walking too fast for a city is visually the most interesting idea of the poem, and you need to elaborate on that with more interesting language. 'clouds and trees are too pretty', for instance, does nothing to stimulate the brain.
anyways, i think it'd be a good idea to pare some of the lines down. a little bit of this and that and i think you'd have a very nice poem! good luck if you intend to edit.
43.
like you've been shot (bang bang bang)