11-07-2015, 05:02 AM
Not everything needs to be written in iambic pentameter 
I like the concept of walking too fast for the city. I think this is best realised in the second stanza. The "stop and smell the roses" idea isn't new, but you have managed to bring some fresh perspective to it.
Does "I have yet to see" sound like natural speech to you? I'm not saying it's wrong, just that it's not how I can really imagine someone saying it. I'd be more likely to here "I'm yet to see" and "I'm yet to meet". In a poem that has a conversational tone, these parts stand out to me. (We're an international forum, with lots of different dialects and languages, so if you do say it like that, then that's how you write it and make no apologies!)
I suggest you rethink the blank/drank rhyme in the third stanza. For starters, you can't drink a glass, so that absurdity stands out to me and draws my attention to the fact that these lines are letting the rhymes drive them, and that's usually a sign that they're an afterthought (or a "shit, what am I going to put here to fill out the stanza so I can hurry on to the next one" thought).
"grand" mucks up your rhythm in the fourth stanza. You could lose it and it wouldn't hurt at all -- plus, it would reduce the tendency toward cliche. You could also drop "because" in the last stanza.
There are good bones here. For future edits, beware of letting the rhymes rule -- a good rhyme should slip in unnoticed to stitch a poem together.
I like the concept of walking too fast for the city. I think this is best realised in the second stanza. The "stop and smell the roses" idea isn't new, but you have managed to bring some fresh perspective to it.
Does "I have yet to see" sound like natural speech to you? I'm not saying it's wrong, just that it's not how I can really imagine someone saying it. I'd be more likely to here "I'm yet to see" and "I'm yet to meet". In a poem that has a conversational tone, these parts stand out to me. (We're an international forum, with lots of different dialects and languages, so if you do say it like that, then that's how you write it and make no apologies!)
I suggest you rethink the blank/drank rhyme in the third stanza. For starters, you can't drink a glass, so that absurdity stands out to me and draws my attention to the fact that these lines are letting the rhymes drive them, and that's usually a sign that they're an afterthought (or a "shit, what am I going to put here to fill out the stanza so I can hurry on to the next one" thought).
"grand" mucks up your rhythm in the fourth stanza. You could lose it and it wouldn't hurt at all -- plus, it would reduce the tendency toward cliche. You could also drop "because" in the last stanza.
There are good bones here. For future edits, beware of letting the rhymes rule -- a good rhyme should slip in unnoticed to stitch a poem together.
It could be worse