11-06-2015, 03:04 PM
This is quite a quite wonderful poem. The imagery cuts (like a film) between
'concrete' metaphor (forgive pun) and emotional detail.
A few suggestions:
The font doesn't really need to be so large.
Sometimes it's better to be able to see more of the poem.
Some people will carp about beginning the lines with capitals, I like them;
but it's your decision.
You should use double-quotes ( " ) in the poem as they're easier to distinguish visually.
01 It sucked that if I was born a day earlier
02 I'd get a detached house with a road outside
03 Made of concrete like a freshly baked cake and
04 My mother happy because it's as good as free,
05 But despondent, as it’s not enough
06
07
08 Instead I got vodka, a brown brick block
09 Of a complex, more vodka, the American Dream
10 And marching men on a boxy, thick screen
11 And pellucid, thick skin
12 A fist and a bruise by my all-hearing ear
13
01 "sucked" doesn't fit the content, a less informal word is needed
03 commas: Made of concrete, like a freshly baked cake, and
05 period (full stop): But despondent, as it’s not enough.
04-05 nice descriptive detail
Love the "vodka" metaphor and its extension throughout the poem.
Ah, the irony of "American Dream".
10-11 Confusing. Re-phrase to connect "pellucid, thick skin" to the men
12 needs period at end. "By" should be changed to "to".
14
15 'Why are they marching?' I'd ask, my 6 year old
16 Eyes wandering back and forth
17 'Because they have nothing better to do,'
18 Said my grandma, with her back turned,
19 Not even having to look at the screen
20
21
22 What's the bloody point? I now think
23 As no one lives in Kremlin or rides tanks
24 -our neighbour still has a Moskwich
25 And works through sweat like fog over his
26 Vodka-shot eyes, to the patriotic beat
27 Of a distant drum on a little screen
28 [=2]
16 needs period at end
19 needs period
22 probably should consider using quotations, even for yourself
22 period
23 insert a "the" between "in" and "Kremlin"
23 an "in" between "rides" and "tanks", while optional, might be better
23 period
24 Start a new sentence. / I looked up "Moskwich" and found out
it was a automobile; but, it needs clarification for a general audience.
Maybe: "Moskwich car" even though it's chunkier. But would hate to drop
"Moskwich" as it SO fits the poems theme.
27 period
29
30 That's what I think now when I have that
31 Pretty detached house and I complain
32 As it's not as big as that planar curve
33 Of a playing field-why do I still see
34 Cast iron while I sleep?
35
36
37 Once it was normal to me-bullet holes
38 In hospital walls and sad eyes looking up
39 To the 6th floor while we drove past
40 With our sun burned skin and a scratched suitcase.
41 93% mixed with water, a scalded throat:
42
31 drop "pretty", confusing as "pretty" has second meaning as "almost"
32 substitute "that" for "as"
33 use a double-dash with spaces: "field -- why"
37 use a double-dash with spaces: "me -- bullet"
40 needs dash: "sun-burned"
41 unclear: "93% mixed with water" alcohol? Can't imagine
vodka, even in Russia, being 186 proof
41 ":" should be "." unless you're linking it to "father" below
43
44 My father flew gliders, jets, planes
45 Over a tundra where a day was
46 Six months, like the hangover, and
47 He still flew through the heat in his skull
48 Brown bread, moloko, Tsar bomba, a flight
49
50
51 To where they still march, their feet like
52 A beating heart of an oil field-
53 Only four thousand miles between us
54 Four hours, the blink of an eye
55 And a tongue lodged deep behind blue lips
44 "gliders" and "jets" are "planes"
change to "gliders and jets" or similar
45 omit "a" between "Over" and "tundra"
46 probably should be: "like his hangover" or "like a hangover"
47 change "He still flew" to "still he flew"
47 period at end
51 semicolon: "march; their"
52 period at end
53 comma at end
54 comma at end
55 period at end
This is such a fine poem, I really can't bring myself to suggest any changes to its content.
Again: The imagery!!! How it mixes, brings out (like vodka maybe) the emotions.
Beautiful.
Oh, yes, the title:
"American Dream" (I love the irony.) or "Concrete and Vodka" or "Brown Brick and Vodka"
Hmm, I guess I like "Concrete and Vodka" the best.
Ray
'concrete' metaphor (forgive pun) and emotional detail.
A few suggestions:
The font doesn't really need to be so large.
Sometimes it's better to be able to see more of the poem.
Some people will carp about beginning the lines with capitals, I like them;
but it's your decision.
You should use double-quotes ( " ) in the poem as they're easier to distinguish visually.
01 It sucked that if I was born a day earlier
02 I'd get a detached house with a road outside
03 Made of concrete like a freshly baked cake and
04 My mother happy because it's as good as free,
05 But despondent, as it’s not enough
06
07
08 Instead I got vodka, a brown brick block
09 Of a complex, more vodka, the American Dream
10 And marching men on a boxy, thick screen
11 And pellucid, thick skin
12 A fist and a bruise by my all-hearing ear
13
01 "sucked" doesn't fit the content, a less informal word is needed
03 commas: Made of concrete, like a freshly baked cake, and
05 period (full stop): But despondent, as it’s not enough.
04-05 nice descriptive detail
Love the "vodka" metaphor and its extension throughout the poem.
Ah, the irony of "American Dream".
10-11 Confusing. Re-phrase to connect "pellucid, thick skin" to the men
12 needs period at end. "By" should be changed to "to".
14
15 'Why are they marching?' I'd ask, my 6 year old
16 Eyes wandering back and forth
17 'Because they have nothing better to do,'
18 Said my grandma, with her back turned,
19 Not even having to look at the screen
20
21
22 What's the bloody point? I now think
23 As no one lives in Kremlin or rides tanks
24 -our neighbour still has a Moskwich
25 And works through sweat like fog over his
26 Vodka-shot eyes, to the patriotic beat
27 Of a distant drum on a little screen
28 [=2]
16 needs period at end
19 needs period
22 probably should consider using quotations, even for yourself
22 period
23 insert a "the" between "in" and "Kremlin"
23 an "in" between "rides" and "tanks", while optional, might be better
23 period
24 Start a new sentence. / I looked up "Moskwich" and found out
it was a automobile; but, it needs clarification for a general audience.
Maybe: "Moskwich car" even though it's chunkier. But would hate to drop
"Moskwich" as it SO fits the poems theme.
27 period
29
30 That's what I think now when I have that
31 Pretty detached house and I complain
32 As it's not as big as that planar curve
33 Of a playing field-why do I still see
34 Cast iron while I sleep?
35
36
37 Once it was normal to me-bullet holes
38 In hospital walls and sad eyes looking up
39 To the 6th floor while we drove past
40 With our sun burned skin and a scratched suitcase.
41 93% mixed with water, a scalded throat:
42
31 drop "pretty", confusing as "pretty" has second meaning as "almost"
32 substitute "that" for "as"
33 use a double-dash with spaces: "field -- why"
37 use a double-dash with spaces: "me -- bullet"
40 needs dash: "sun-burned"
41 unclear: "93% mixed with water" alcohol? Can't imagine
vodka, even in Russia, being 186 proof
41 ":" should be "." unless you're linking it to "father" below
43
44 My father flew gliders, jets, planes
45 Over a tundra where a day was
46 Six months, like the hangover, and
47 He still flew through the heat in his skull
48 Brown bread, moloko, Tsar bomba, a flight
49
50
51 To where they still march, their feet like
52 A beating heart of an oil field-
53 Only four thousand miles between us
54 Four hours, the blink of an eye
55 And a tongue lodged deep behind blue lips
44 "gliders" and "jets" are "planes"
change to "gliders and jets" or similar
45 omit "a" between "Over" and "tundra"
46 probably should be: "like his hangover" or "like a hangover"
47 change "He still flew" to "still he flew"
47 period at end
51 semicolon: "march; their"
52 period at end
53 comma at end
54 comma at end
55 period at end
This is such a fine poem, I really can't bring myself to suggest any changes to its content.
Again: The imagery!!! How it mixes, brings out (like vodka maybe) the emotions.
Beautiful.
Oh, yes, the title:
"American Dream" (I love the irony.) or "Concrete and Vodka" or "Brown Brick and Vodka"
Hmm, I guess I like "Concrete and Vodka" the best.
Ray
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions