November Sun - 2.0

[thepoorfortune]

Haiku turned sonnet. Been playing with this for awhile and haven't got it quite right. Still editing but would appreciate some thoughts. Thanks.


November Sun

Here, where the calendar begins to burn
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out,
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn The rhyme between this line and the first are very clear, but is very far away. Think about shortening the second line so to more capitalize on this. Moreover, I like the inner-rhyme with "bleeds out" and "fair to doubt". You're rhyming throughout the poem is very graceful, which really fits the transcendental theme you got goin' here.
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she,
as if aloof, will every time retreat This line, along with the one before it, is awkward to me, possibly because they're a bit faster than the rest of the poem -- I feel like something should elongate the pause between "to her," and "she" (consider maybe a dash or ellipsis). The mid-section of this poem is really tough to chew on (not a bad thing!). As a reader, I've spent most of my time analyzing lines 5-8, really interesting stuff.
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat. I really like the repetition here
But now November, where a change of wind
gives warm reprieve from the chill of distance— And the sensory imagery here
she proudly beams like she had never sinned
and returns with such a sweet persistence,
to warmly appeal for another chance—
We cannot make winter of such romance. Hell of a closing line! 

Honestly, if I wrote everything I liked about this poem, the post would be too long. I hope to see more poems from you!