In Come Free

[tectak]

In Come Free

My head knows what a body is
language for, but my hands
strangle the vocabulary.  How to write
this dream?

I work my fingers raw in the mud
making bricks. I stack each brick
until I build a wall, and behind it
a familiar voice there calls.
I make a door, and hear
that someone knocks, then his voice
is calling. Calling me out to play. I am a child
again. I step outside to find myself
within a game of “hide ‘n seek”--
my brother calling to me
“all-ee, all-ee, in come free”
from the other side of the wall.
But the door is now gone.

Why do I wake up sweating?  
Why have I had this dream
again?  Why have I never cried
since you died?



In Come Free

My hands know what a body is
language for, but my fingers
strangle the vocabulary.  How to write
this dream?

I work my hands raw in the mud
making bricks. I stack each brick
until I build a wall, behind which
a familiar voice calls.
I make a door, and hear
someone knock, then his voice
calling. Calling me out to play. I am a child
again. I step outside to find myself
within a game of “hide ‘n seek”--
my brother calling to me
“all-ee, all-ee, in come free”
from the other side of the wall.
But the door is now gone.

Why have I had this dream
again? Why do I wake up
sweating?  Why have I never
cried
since you died?

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm gonna rewrite this poem to get rid of some ambiguity and make the message/image a bit more clear and try to incorporate some sort of rhythm instead of just having it as a blank verse. While the poem is supposed to be quite open to interpretation and ambiguous I feel that I do get a bit too carried away at the end so I will work on that as well

Hi Mark,
please don't think less of me for what I am about to say, but this is not your finest hour...nor mine. Thing is, the reader
(this reader) can listen ambivalently to any old tripe if it is "a dream"...generic excuse for surrealism and phantasmagorical excess. This is not your style and it shows. The title means nothing to me...what DOES it mean? How does it relate to the poem? I am sure you will tell me but why should you need to? Again I find myself coming out wuth the same old crit..what's with the rhetorical questions?(and that is NOT rhetorical as you will prove). In poetry, though, such a device does nothing to endear the piece to the sympathetic scrutiny of the reader who looks to be "moved" by.the poet's words...not by whatever connection can be hooked out of commonality. You know, the "Hey, I felt like that once..." bandwaggoners.
The blank verse claim is a false assurance. What you have written is just an insignificant attempt to recapture the dream state without paying your dues to the muse. For me, there is just too much ethereal wafting and not enough attempt at craft. Do something to make it a poem...hell, you have a metaphor on your plate. Stop playing with it and eat up.
Best,
tectak