11-04-2015, 02:08 PM
I enjoyed this, and got the sentiment. A few mild critiques, up and down:
Second line, "in a memory, in a picture," the repeated "in a" makes me speed up, reading. Perhaps removing the first "a" would provide (almost) the same information but continue a languid tempo.
I stumble slightly on "under" in the fourth line, but a word like "beneath" there might make the line's rhythm too regular for your intent.
Not sure there's a purpose to lower-case "i" in "since i don't think so much about you" - you capitalize elsewhere.
Wonder if there's some way to increase emphasis on "believe" in "I believe time has done away," sort of missed it on first reading. Position at the beginning of the line is good, a line break after might be too much.
"[A]nd your skin sags" is brilliant: the reader is trained to expect another word by the previous two lines, and stops, searching for it. The reading sags, just as it should.
"[L]ike all those gone lost" (second to last line) reads beautifully. So nice I almost lose the meaning there.
(My first attempt at a critique, without reading others already in the thread. Bless all here.)
Second line, "in a memory, in a picture," the repeated "in a" makes me speed up, reading. Perhaps removing the first "a" would provide (almost) the same information but continue a languid tempo.
I stumble slightly on "under" in the fourth line, but a word like "beneath" there might make the line's rhythm too regular for your intent.
Not sure there's a purpose to lower-case "i" in "since i don't think so much about you" - you capitalize elsewhere.
Wonder if there's some way to increase emphasis on "believe" in "I believe time has done away," sort of missed it on first reading. Position at the beginning of the line is good, a line break after might be too much.
"[A]nd your skin sags" is brilliant: the reader is trained to expect another word by the previous two lines, and stops, searching for it. The reading sags, just as it should.
"[L]ike all those gone lost" (second to last line) reads beautifully. So nice I almost lose the meaning there.
Quote:Now and then, I see your face
in a memory, in a picture.
I wonder how it looks today
under the shade of age.
Once in a while,
since i don't think so much about you
anymore,
I believe time has done away
with its beauty;
That your eyes don't shine,
and your lips have thinned,
and your skin sags.
Other times
I imagine you dignified,
wearing the crown of experience---
gazing neither behind or ahead,
but staring squarely at the moment.
You watch as it passes,
taking with it another
fine detail of your sunken face...
Another detail,
like all those gone lost
somewhere in my mind.
(My first attempt at a critique, without reading others already in the thread. Bless all here.)
Non-practicing atheist