11-03-2015, 11:49 PM
Told you I'll be back. But again, not in the capacity I'd like -- too busy, too exhausted -- so all I've again are technical notes.
My head knows what a body is
language for, but my hands
strangle the vocabulary. How to write
this dream?
I work my fingers raw in the mud Comma.
making bricks. I stack each brick
until I build a wall, and behind it Possibly comma; better yet, comma, and remove "it".
a familiar voice there calls.
I make a door, and hear "Make" feels bland, but the blandness makes the image blurry, dreamy: good.
that someone knocks, then his voice
is calling. Calling me out to play. "then his voice / is calling" doesn't fit the sentence right; maybe: "I make a door, then hear / someone knocking, a voice / calling, calling me out to play--" I am a child This sentence deserves its own line.
again. I step outside to find myself So "I am a child again. Then / I step outside and find myself".
within a game of “hide ‘n seek”-- "hide and seek" needs no quote marks. Em dash not needed, either; instead, comma.
my brother calling to me Hum. "calling out to me"?
“all-ee, all-ee, in come free” This shouldn't be a quote, methinks, but a parenthetic. Em dashes or parentheses required.
from the other side of the wall. Feels redundant, but the dreaminess again works well here.
But the door is now gone. Maybe switch up gone and now?
Why do I wake up sweating?
Why have I had this dream
again? Why have I never cried
since you died? Still finding pleasure in this ending.
My head knows what a body is
language for, but my hands
strangle the vocabulary. How to write
this dream?
I work my fingers raw in the mud Comma.
making bricks. I stack each brick
until I build a wall, and behind it Possibly comma; better yet, comma, and remove "it".
a familiar voice there calls.
I make a door, and hear "Make" feels bland, but the blandness makes the image blurry, dreamy: good.
that someone knocks, then his voice
is calling. Calling me out to play. "then his voice / is calling" doesn't fit the sentence right; maybe: "I make a door, then hear / someone knocking, a voice / calling, calling me out to play--" I am a child This sentence deserves its own line.
again. I step outside to find myself So "I am a child again. Then / I step outside and find myself".
within a game of “hide ‘n seek”-- "hide and seek" needs no quote marks. Em dash not needed, either; instead, comma.
my brother calling to me Hum. "calling out to me"?
“all-ee, all-ee, in come free” This shouldn't be a quote, methinks, but a parenthetic. Em dashes or parentheses required.
from the other side of the wall. Feels redundant, but the dreaminess again works well here.
But the door is now gone. Maybe switch up gone and now?
Why do I wake up sweating?
Why have I had this dream
again? Why have I never cried
since you died? Still finding pleasure in this ending.