Columbia

[fluorescent.43]

COLUMBIA

the capital club
zero-lot lined
in their red light district can't decide if i like the vagueness of 'their', since it doesn't have a subject.
fishnet attorneys slurping sternly line break or not, you can't slurp a 'sternly tannin' out of a sippy cup. unless you have some punctuation magic in mind.
tannins out of sippy cups,
no worry
‘cause it’s easy, so many commas,
chuck the plastic in the drain and  
the checks out the bank, really like the mood created in these two lines.
aqueduct it to the kind of kind the usage of 'aqueduct' as a verb...? also, do you use a random spin to select where your line breaks fall?
men who’ll fix your tax
adjusted time in bombs i like the phrase 'tax-adjusted time'. funny somehow.
and the length of red tape
to their legs,
and their rods, much lol.
under their suits the porno shoot
is explicit, so silver dear god these line breaks are killing me
screen the calls to god before
it smells like fish in the district feel like there should be a period here, since it feels like the end of a thought, but this is just a feeling, ya feel?
too late,
he jumped off the railing
while we were sailing huh. rhyme.
for the new world,
old girl,
beat her up,you lost me in the last few lines.
roll her over
in bed with a politician damn that is a ton of commas... but i get a government-y feel from this poem. like a commentary on something.

(i did a bad thing and read the critiques before i wrote this one. oh well. i can't help it sometimes. )

i've read your poetry before and you've got this really nice, distinctive style that definitely isn't verbose or overly complex or overly simplistic either. i really like the image you create with the choice of your words; (but i vaguely recall saying this before) i think the image could be clearer and more well-defined. not "dumbed-down" in content as the above critic says, but just sharper. more in-focus. your lines are short and really the only sort of punctuation you've got is a comma here and there, so i admit it was hard to read in one whole chunk. i've got the attention span of a dead goldfish (assume all readers do) so i guess that doesn't help either.

there were some phrases, some lines in this that i really liked even i didn't completely get... but i'd really like to see you slurp a sternly tannin, because somehow that image is hilarious. i get a sarcastic, almost dry feeling from this poem (which is probably why my critique turned out that way)... if you mean to be unconventional with the way you write you're on the right path... but who're you writing for? if you intend to keep your style of poetry near-incomprehensible but still-kind-of-lovely, don't assume that us readers are all intelligent beings capable of running with your train of thought.

anyways, had fun with this! hope you edit and if not, oh well. i always enjoy reading what you write.

43.