11-02-2015, 04:09 AM
I liked the imagery in this poem - I think it's exceptional. That said, there are a few parts that read a bit awkwardly, which I have noted below. Good job.
(10-21-2015, 03:22 PM)ellz483 Wrote: Now and then, I see your face
in a memory, in a picture.
I wonder how it looks today
under the shade of age.
Once in a while,
since i don't think so much about you
anymore,This is a bit awkward, I don't know how you would rephrase it but I had to read it a few times to get the flow of it (and even then, not so great)
I believe time has done away
with its beauty; its could/should be your
That your eyes don't shine,
and your lips have thinned,
and your skin sags.
Other times
I imagine you dignified,
wearing the crown of experience---
gazing neither behind or ahead,
but staring squarely at the moment. get rid of "staring"
You watch as it passes,
taking with it another
fine detail of your sunken face...I think "another" should be on this line
Another detail,
like all those gone lost
somewhere in my mind.