11-02-2015, 02:55 AM
Hey stateofmind,
To be honest I'm disappointed by this one, not to say that it's particularly horrid. It's just bland.
I think the idea of the Sandman coming in the night is an intriguing one, so don't give up on it, but the way you've approached it is kinda lackluster.
First off, like Ray, I'm not a fan of the characterization of the Sandman. You've made him out to be a sort of Angel of Death type character, like we have to put lamb blood on the door to keep him from knocking. Now I could buy into that maybe, but you don't really follow through on how that's important or emotive to the reader at all. There needs to be other things to grab onto in the poem as well.
You tell us there's a town at night, but there's no image supplied to go with out. I don't know what the town looks like, and there's nothing else to really hook me into the poem. By the end of it, I've held on to nothing from the poem and I'm not quite sure the piece was worth reading. This is what you don't want your readers to feel like.
This lack of concrete imagery to hold on to is just one of the pratfalls of the piece. There are spots where it gets cliche'd, rhyme scheme doesn't do much for it, and so forth.
I don't want to rip into your poem too hard, and it's not absolutely terrible don't get me wrong, but I would strongly suggest a drastic edit.
The Sandman can be a cool exploration, don't give up on it, just ask yourself what you want us to feel when we read it.
Thanks,
Cousin
To be honest I'm disappointed by this one, not to say that it's particularly horrid. It's just bland.
I think the idea of the Sandman coming in the night is an intriguing one, so don't give up on it, but the way you've approached it is kinda lackluster.
First off, like Ray, I'm not a fan of the characterization of the Sandman. You've made him out to be a sort of Angel of Death type character, like we have to put lamb blood on the door to keep him from knocking. Now I could buy into that maybe, but you don't really follow through on how that's important or emotive to the reader at all. There needs to be other things to grab onto in the poem as well.
You tell us there's a town at night, but there's no image supplied to go with out. I don't know what the town looks like, and there's nothing else to really hook me into the poem. By the end of it, I've held on to nothing from the poem and I'm not quite sure the piece was worth reading. This is what you don't want your readers to feel like.
This lack of concrete imagery to hold on to is just one of the pratfalls of the piece. There are spots where it gets cliche'd, rhyme scheme doesn't do much for it, and so forth.
I don't want to rip into your poem too hard, and it's not absolutely terrible don't get me wrong, but I would strongly suggest a drastic edit.
The Sandman can be a cool exploration, don't give up on it, just ask yourself what you want us to feel when we read it.
Thanks,
Cousin