11-01-2015, 01:03 AM
I really like this poem. It evokes a haunting image of love.
I enjoyed the use of "war" as a verb in the line "And if I war to keep you as my own". This feels a much more powerful link to the war theme than using a more conventional fighting verb.
I think I'm on the fence on the repetition of "fail" in the lines, "and losing, fail you in the clamor’s rage, // would I fail? When two are lonely thrown". Is it adding or not?
The "When two are lonely thrown" part works very well for me to bring in the Garden of Eden theme. A very nice transition.
I like the final line but is there a way to bring more pep to it? Ending on "past" versus "bitter channels" seems to take some of the energy out of it so the tension seems to flatten out.
I enjoyed the use of "war" as a verb in the line "And if I war to keep you as my own". This feels a much more powerful link to the war theme than using a more conventional fighting verb.
I think I'm on the fence on the repetition of "fail" in the lines, "and losing, fail you in the clamor’s rage, // would I fail? When two are lonely thrown". Is it adding or not?
The "When two are lonely thrown" part works very well for me to bring in the Garden of Eden theme. A very nice transition.
I like the final line but is there a way to bring more pep to it? Ending on "past" versus "bitter channels" seems to take some of the energy out of it so the tension seems to flatten out.